No matter what discipline they practice, horse people can all agree on one thing: riding is physically demanding work. And as horse owners know, the riding part isn’t even the half of it—the accompanying chores are a workout all on their own.
You’ve probably seen charts that list equestrian activities and their associated calorie burn. But they don’t come close to telling the whole story. To remedy this injustice, I’ve created a more realistic accounting of horse-related activities and their caloric effects.
For an interactive experience, raise your hand every time you identify with one of the following tasks. For extra cardio, jump up and down and yell “Me!”
Carry gear down hill. Load into truck. -5 calories
Search for sunglasses and muck boots.
Walk back up hill to house to get sunglasses and muck boots. -10 calories
Walk back down hill to truck. -5 calories
Wrong pair of muck boots.
Walk back up hill to house to get correct pair. –10 calories
Return to truck with correct muck boots and three other apparel items you might need if it gets warmer/gets colder/rains. –5 calories
Think of better way to pack various horse items in back of truck; rearrange. -15 calories
Drive to feed store; Load month’s worth of feed in to bed of truck. -20 calories
Realize you forgot lunch. Stop at Quik Stop and get deli sandwich, Coke and Doritos. Fill gas tank while you’re at it . -3 calories.
Drive to barn; unload feed and carry to feed room. -25 calories
Meticulously stack bags in feed room. –20 calories
Discover feed you need first is at bottom of pile.
Restack feed bags. -15 calories
Re-organize supplement shelf while you’re at it. -5 calories
Walk to hay shed and load hay cart. -10 calories
Throw hay to horses. -7 calories
Come up two flakes short. Push hay cart back to hay barn to get extra flakes and hand-carry to final horse. -5 calories
Check water buckets. -2 calories
Find hose in equipment shed, drag to spigot. -6 calories
Un-knot cluster-fark of coils. -10 calories
Fill water buckets at first two stalls. -5 calories
Discover you have the short hose. Look for long hose in shed. -5 calories
Look for long hose in hay barn. -5 calories
Walk past refrigerator. 0 calories
Abandon search for long hose; fill and carry four more buckets by hand. -20 calories
Coil up short hose and put away. -5 calories
Walk past refrigerator. Pause. Think. 0 calories
Hear commotion at end of barn; run to investigate. -2 calories
Discover pony trying to stick his head through bars of paddock fence has dumped water bucket.
Lecture pony.
Carry empty bucket to spigot. Refill. Replace bucket in pony’s paddock. -7 calories
Lecture pony again.
Notice pony still eyeballing grass outside paddock.
Move pony’s water bucket to grass-less corner of paddock. –5 calories
Spill half of bucket on your pants. Curse.
Go to get towel. Walk past refrigerator. Pause. Open door. Look at clock.
Beer: +150 calories.
Walk to laundry room, get towel, make futile attempt to dry pants. -2 calories
Toss dirty saddle pads and towels in washer. -2 calories
Accidentally dislodge barn cat sleeping on top of clean saddle pads. Make futile attempt to catch saddle pads before they fall. -1 calorie
Re-fold and re-stack clean saddle pads. -3 calories
Fetch manure cart and pitchfork . -5 calories
Muck 6 stalls. -120 calories
Put freshly washed saddle pads in dryer. -2 calories
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Feed cat. -2 calories
Cat turns up nose at food.
Search feed room for only kibble the damn cat will eat when he gets this way. -6 calories
Feed cat again. -2 calories.
Wheel manure cart out to manure pile. -5 calories
Discover pony has escaped paddock and is munching on alfalfa bales in back of barn. Chase pony; catch him only after he has knocked over alfalfa bales and spilled manure cart. -10 calories
Lecture recalcitrant pony while putting him back in paddock. -3 calories
Re-stack alfalfa bales. -10 calories
Shovel manure back into cart so you can push it ten more feet and then empty it onto manure pile. -25 calories
Put manure cart and pitchfork back in shed. -5 calories
Walk past refrigerator. Look inside. What’s that behind the beer?
Red Vines. Score!
Beer #2 and 10 Red Vines: +200 calories
Put chestnut gelding out in big paddock. -5 calories
Attempt to ignore chestnut gelding you put in paddock screaming for grey gelding still in stall. Sweep the barn aisle. -15 calories
Take clean saddle pads and towels out of dryer, fold and stack. -12 calories
Go to feed room; set up feed buckets for lunch. -5 calories
Unsuccessfully attempt to open new supplement bucket. -5 calories
Find knife. -5 calories
Unsuccessfully attempt to open new supplement bucket. -5 calories
Find bigger knife. -5 calories
Unsuccessfully attempt to open new supplement bucket. -5 calories
Pass refrigerator again. Pause. Think. 0 calories
10 more Red Vines: +50 calories
Ignore grey gelding, who is now banging on stall gate in response to chestnut gelding’s calls.
Find mallet. -5 calories
“Open” new supplement bucket with mallet. -2 calories
Find new plastic container for supplement powder. -5 calories
Clean up pieces of destroyed supplement bucket. -5 calories
Put mallet back in tool shed. -5 calories.
Add supplements to lunch buckets. -2 calories
Gelding separation anxiety escalated beyond tolerance. Fetch grey gelding from stall and attempt to put in paddock with chestnut gelding. -2 calories
Chestnut gelding runs you over and escapes. Chase chestnut gelding while grey gelding screams from paddock. Pursue chestnut gelding four laps around barn before catching him. -25 calories
Wrangle chestnut and grey geldings until both are in paddock together. -10 calories.
Grey gelding steps on your foot.
Find first aid kit and find ibuprofen. -3 calories
Pass refrigerator. Beer and Ibuprofen: +150 calories
5 more Red Vines: +25 calories
Decide to clean tack trunk. Remove all items from trunk. -10 calories
Find bag of M&Ms at bottom of trunk.
Stale M&Ms: +200 calories.
Clean trunk, replace items and take discarded items to trash can. -30 calories.
Geldings are now fighting in paddock.
Put geldings back in stalls. -15 calories
Deliver lunch buckets to horses in stalls. -10 calories
Fetch extra flake of hay and deliver to pony in paddock so he won’t have a fit that he’s the only one not getting lunch. -5 calories
Pass refrigerator. Open. Look for lunch. -1 calories
Realize you left Quik Stop supplies, including chicken salad sandwich, in hot truck.
Lunch: Red vines, Doritos and hot Coke +300 calories
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Clean tack. -40 calories
Clean out truck. -100 calories
Find forgotten bottle of unopened wine under front seat of truck.
Find corkscrew. -5 calories
Undetermined amount of Merlot straight from bottle: +100 (or so) calories
Wash truck. -100 calories
Listen to weather report. Rain and cold predicted overnight.
Locate rain sheets. -10 calories
Chase pony around paddock until he lets you catch him. -20 calories
Put rain sheet on pony. -5 calories
Put rain sheets on three mares. -15 calories
Notice that grey gelding and chestnut gelding rolled earlier in paddock and are too dirty to blanket.
Groom grey gelding. -40 calories
Groom chestnut gelding. -50 calories (he’s fatter).
Put rain sheets on geldings. -10 calories.
Discover pony in paddock has pulled off his sheet and peed on it.
Lecture pony.
Hose off dirty sheet at wash rack. -10 calories
Hang sheet in feed room to dry. -10 calories
Ponder why water-repellent material does not also repel urine.
Walk to hay barn and load up hay cart for evening feed. -10 calories
Deliver hay to horses. -7 calories
Return hay cart to hay shed. -5 calories.
Check/fill water buckets again. (by hand because you still can’t find the long hose)
-30 calories
Sweep barn aisle again. -15 calories
Final walk through barn to make sure everything is as it should be. Close feed room and tack room. -6 calories
Pass refrigerator.
10 more red vines: +50 calories
Hear cat howling. Re-open feed room and let cat out. Close feed room again. -5 calories
Walk to truck and get in. -1 calories
Waaaait a minute. Why was the cat in the feed room?
Return to feed room and open door. Discover spilled bag of kitty kibble. Clean up spill and put kibble in plastic container. -15 calories
Return to truck and get in. -1 calorie
As you’re driving away from barn, catch glimpse of pony in paddock looking at you forlornly. You swear that four-legged woolly ball is shivering.
Back up. Get out of truck. Pony’s rain sheet still wet, so bring pitiful looking pony in to extra stall for the night. -5 calories
Bring pony hay and fill bucket in extra stall. -15 calories.
Pony rolls, shakes and sighs, looks at you with big, soft liquid brown eyes.
Smile at pony. Reach to pet him. -1 calories
Pony bites you.
Lecture pony, who turns his butt to you and contentedly munches hay.
Get back into truck . -1 calorie
Find bag of mini cheese crackers in glove box.
Dinner: +100 calories
Total calorie expenditure: 1150
Total calorie intake: 1325
(Don’t worry….we haven’t taken into account cleaning up after yourself at home when you track in dirt, shavings, hair and hay. We think you’ll come out ahead.)
| After years of trying to fit in with corporate America, Jody Lynne Werner decided to pursue her true passion as a career rather than a hobby. So now, she’s an artist, graphic designer, illustrator, cartoonist, web designer, writer and humorist. You can find her work on her Misfit Designs Cafepress site. Jody is one of the winners of the Chronicle’s first writing competition. Her work also appears in the 2013 and 2014 Amateur Issue print editions of The Chronicle of the Horse. |
