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  1. #1
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    Default SO with kid....experiences?

    .
    Last edited by MumboJumbo; Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:28 PM.



  2. #2
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    Sep. 7, 2009
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    Lexington, KY
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    Well, either accept it, like it, or move on. I'm guessing the child is non-negotiable, as she should be.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    There are so many factors here you may not even KNOW yet that will affect how it works for you guys. I am 34 YO, married my husband last year, he has two teen girls. He has 50/50 but they have historically been with us most of the time. They will start living with us full time after school is out this year.

    I know what you're saying about "resenting" some of the time and focus and while some may think you sound selfish, I totally get it. You want to have a relationship with SO. That's hard to do when you're 2nd, 3rd, 4th in line a lot of the time.

    Counseling helped us quite a bit. A big issue at our house was that he felt so guilty about being divorced that he basically tried to be a one man circus, the cleaning crew, and the taxi to the extent that when they were with us, they were essentially "guests" in a hotel environment with full concierge service.

    It's tough. I would be happy to talk to you about it offline. I have MANY thoughts on this (and I like my stepdaughters) but it is HARD.

    A book recommendation? Stepmonster. It's really good. Go in with your eyes wide open girlfriend!
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Default

    Thanks BuddyRoo! I will PM you tonight with some thoughts. Much appreciated!



  5. #5
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    Mar. 26, 2005
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    Back to Normal.. or as close as I'll ever get
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    Default Waht they said

    The first 2 posters have it right.
    SO's kid will 4-Ever be his #1 priority.
    MY DH was 18 years older than me and his oldest son was just 3 years older than me when we met.
    After 30 years together his kids were still his kids and no amount of "reasoning" from me changed that.

    One of my favorite sorta-stepkid stories is from my BFF who started seeing a guy with a young daughter - maybe 7 or 8yo at the time.

    On one visit, when Daddy wasn't there, daughter said to my friend:
    "When you're not here I sleep with Daddy."
    To which friend replied:
    "Well, when you're not here, so do I"

    30 years later they are celebrating their 25th anniversary next year.
    *friend of bar.ka*RIP all my lovely boys, gone too soon:
    Steppin' Out 1988-2004
    Hey Vern! 1982-2009
    Cash's Bay Threat 1994-2009


    2 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    I'm both a divorced mother of a son and the stepparent to DH's son. Yes, you have to be able to accept the child as a priority in your SO's life. There will most certainly be sarcrifices.

    How big and how intrusive those sacrifices are on your time and the attention you get from SO will depend on:

    1) How serious your relationshp is. If it is a permanent commitment or there are plans to make it one in the near future, you may be able to expect more compromises than if it is just a dating relationship, no matter how long it's been going on.

    2) How secure your SO is in his relationship with his child and how supportive and flexible his child's mother is regarding that relationship.

    In my personal experience, my ex-husband could do a lot of things with his GF/fiancee...because I was fleixble and supportive. He called me up, wanting to switch the visitation schedule because he had something important that he wanted to do with her, I'd switch...he did not have to choose between time with his child and time with his GF. My husban'd ex, on the other hand, was not flexible...if DH wanted to rearrange visitation for any reason, she'd say "no". That meant he had to give up visitation to do anything alone with me on "his" days...so we didn't do it. That was OK with me, I'm independent by nature and had my own child as a priority and understood his situation...it wouldn't be OK with everyone.



  7. #7
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    Jan. 25, 2009
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    Do you have any relationship with the child? Why can't she be a part of the time that you spend with SO? If you have a big life event (say a graduation) then I would think that both of them would want to be a part of it.
    A proud friend of bar.ka.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
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    Apr. 5, 2007
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    Tampa FL
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    Default

    "resentful" seems like a strong word.
    Are you asking how to deal with the situation or do you want SO to spend less time with his kid?
    The kid already has a part-time dad, I don't think you can demand they spend less time together. So I think you have to decide whether or not you can share SO's time with his kid, and if not you need to find somebody that will be available 100% for you.
    My ex husband only sees our boy 2 weekends a month, if he didn't dedicate 100% of his time to him while he is with him I would be very mad.
    You also could be with someone who had full custody so your "problem" could be even worse. My understanding is that 50% of the time you have SO to yourself, and then the other 50% is shared.
    Why did SO missed some of your important life events? Couldn't he have attended with his kid? I understand you don't want kids but if you are part of their dad's life then you are part of their life as well so you should start building some sort of relationship.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hunter Mom View Post
    Do you have any relationship with the child? Why can't she be a part of the time that you spend with SO? If you have a big life event (say a graduation) then I would think that both of them would want to be a part of it.
    Great minds think alike Hunter Mom



  10. #10
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    Oct. 20, 2008
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    Florida, USA
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    Default

    My SO has a 10 year old as well...

    Funny enough, didn't think I wanted kids... at all, ever.

    Met SO... found out about 10 year old. He honestly spends a lot more time with his mom than with us (due to SO's traveling worldwide for work).

    That being said- I, unlike you, came to the conclusion that at some point I do want kids.. seeing the bond that they have and how wonderful SO is with him... I can't even imagine not having that...

    So no true words of wisdom- I'm sorry. I think that communicating expectations and feelings play a huge role... and hopefully you can both come to an "agreement" on how to deal with the situation.
    Proudly living in my "let's save the world bubble"!



  11. #11
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    Default

    .
    Last edited by MumboJumbo; Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:28 PM.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Oct. 12, 2005
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    Can you love this child? Are you willing to make this child an important part of YOUR life?

    If you feel resentful to this child, and cannot find it in your heart to truly include in your family, you might want to rethink your relationship. The child will ALWAYS come first.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Jul. 17, 2008
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    How about instead of closing yourself off to the idea of having a relationship with your SO's child you embrace it. Nothing is ever won by turning away from this possibility, but you may be surprised at how much there is to be gained.

    How can you not want to be a part of something the person you love values so much?
    "Your best can be worn at any length"- Jason Mraz


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    Default

    .
    Last edited by MumboJumbo; Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:28 PM.



  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by MumboJumbo View Post
    Looking for feedback from people who have been in similar situations!

    Background: SO has a primary school aged child. I do not have or wish to have a child. Of course I knew of the child when SO and I started dating. Child lives with other parent 50% of the time.

    Lately I have found that I am resentful of the time that SO spends with child. I feel as though I have a "part time" SO. SO was not available for a few important life events tihs year due to time with said child. I UNDERSTAND that the child is a priority for SO and absolutely should be. I do feel like I will never understand the bond between parent/child.

    I want a life with SO. SO is pretty great in every other way. I do realize that with SO comes child. I'm open to child in my life but I feel like I am sacrificing a bit of what I want from a partner due to child. Maybe I'm just selfish?

    Any personal experiences would be appreciated!
    When my now-DH and I got engaged, his son was about the same age, so I can totally relate to what you've posted.

    The reality is that yes, there are definitely going to be times, maybe a lot of times, when your SO is going to choose time with the child over time with you. Some of those times are going to be hard to swallow - like when you have a big life event, and your SO chooses what is sort of "routine" time with the kid... and they might not rearrange that time even if it seems like it would be no big deal to do so. (Couldn't you just take little Bobby out on Thursday instead of Friday so we could attend my work function as a couple?) I'll echo what BRoo noted - we went through a period of "Disney Dad-ism" where there was a really over the top emphasis on making every moment of the time that my SS spent with us the.best.time.ever for him. I'll be honest and tell you that it got *really* old... I signed up to be a step mom, not a child's maid/cook/slave!

    Canaqua also makes a really good point about the impact that the relationship between your SO and his ex will have. A reasonable, civil relationship makes things a LOT easier. We did not have that experience and it certainly added a level of difficulty to an already challenging situation.

    All of that said, although it was VERY hard at times, my personal experience is that you CAN navigate it, possibly with the help of counseling.

    My SS is now in college and is a wonderful young adult whom I love more than I could ever express. My most treasured possession is the card he gave me a few holidays ago, in which he wrote that he considered me a friend and thanked me for the life skills I had taught him. I still cry happy tears every time I read it, and it is the first thing I would save in a fire.

    Feel free to PM any time if you find yourself overwhelmed. People who have not been through that experience (and even some that have) can be critical of stepmoms who feel the resentment you describe. But the reality is that it's real, and there are reasons you feel that way - and being judgmental about it doesn't do anything to make the situation better.

    There are definitely coping mechanisms that DO help, and often just being able to vent about the situation makes it easier. I was lucky to have that when I was a new SM, and would be happy to return the favor if you ever need someone to listen or bounce things off of.
    **********
    We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
    -PaulaEdwina


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    Jul. 17, 2008
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    PA
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    Quote Originally Posted by MumboJumbo View Post
    As I said in my original post, I am open to a relationship with child.
    Ok that's my mistake. Maybe it's just a rough adjustment you are going through with your feelings and expectations of the relationship, nothing wrong with that. I wish you the best, I am just trying to point out the glass can be viewed as half full instead of half empty.
    "Your best can be worn at any length"- Jason Mraz



  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by nickers@dawn View Post
    Ok that's my mistake. Maybe it's just a rough adjustment you are going through with your feelings and expectations of the relationship, nothing wrong with that. I wish you the best, I am just trying to point out the glass can be viewed as half full instead of half empty.
    Thank you



  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by nickers@dawn View Post
    How can you not want to be a part of something the person you love values so much?
    I know you said you're open to this, so yay, but to go a little further - IMO this is a lot like a nonhorsey person wanting to be in a serious relationship with a horsey person. It's easy to resent the time spent with the horses, and the money. That person may not even like horses (they're so big and smelly!) But there are lots of nonhorsey people who step up - they become show grooms, they learn to help around the farm, they accept and bless the time SO spends with it. And when that happens, horsey folks praise heaven because they've finally found that AMAZING person who gets it!

    Really, it's very similar. Kids are a more permanent thing, but it comes down to how much you love your SO, and whether you then, in turn, can come to love what he does or what makes him happy.
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.


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  19. #19
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    I've never dated a SO with kids, but many of my friends have, so one word of wisdom. Always consider what happens if or when the SO becomes the full time parent. One friend married the divorced dad of three kids, and next thing you know the vacation visit in the summer became full time for all three, and all three teens resented her to no end (nothing she did, it was just that she had rules and mommy didn't), and then my friend got pregnant. They had a few bad years, but now the older kids call her mom too. You never know what will happen, and what life has in store for you.

    I think a lot depends on what all of the adults attitudes are about the entire situation, and peace is possible.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  20. #20
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    .
    Last edited by MumboJumbo; Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:29 PM.



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