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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by candyappy View Post
    Are you jealous of what little time your boyfriend spends with him? You need to just let the whole thing go because it isn't your problem. He is your boyfriend, not your husband and if he wants to humor this poor, lonely guy it is his choice.
    I would expect that if he gets tired of " scott" he will put an end to it or probably pawn him off on someone else ( as apparently was done to him).
    No, not jealous of the time he spends with Scott at all. BF has other friends and I even encourage him to have "guy time" every week.

    And you're not telling me anything I don't already know/haven't already said. I agree with you that I need to let it go (which is what I said in my OP).

    But what difference does it make that he's my BF and not my husband? Would this be a different scenario if we were married? Does it matter that we have been together for 3 years and live together?



  2. #22
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    I am curious as to what you and BF are fighting over? I'm sorry if you already explained, I may have missed it.



  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Invested1 View Post
    Windsor--for some reason it won't let me answer your questions in a quote, so here you go...


    1. I think on some level you must know why this bothers you so much despite the fact that you aren't really having to deal with it(your BF is). Do you REALLY think Scott is potentially dangerous in any way?

    No, I really don't think he's potentially dangerous, I just think he's creepy and clingy and socially incompetent. Example: We were all at a fundraiser once and I won a doorprize and BF took a picture of me. Scott saw it and said, "That's hot! Can you text it to me?" Umm, seriously? NO!

    2. What would you have your BF do about Scott (tell Scott not to contact him anymore/ignore Scott until Scott goes away?), and is your BF happy/willing to do it?
    If I had my way BF would never see/talk to Scott. BUT BF is a big boy and can make his own decisions and I would never ask him to end a friendship just because I don't like the guy.

    3. Can your BF simply stop telling you how often Scott contacts him -- would that help?
    He doesn't generally tell me. Often times, I'll keep hearing his phone blow up and will ask, "Scott again?" In fairness, it's more me who brings it up than BF...
    Ah. I better understand the weirdness/creepiness and can see how the incessant contact would get annoying. I'm just not sure there's much you can do about it, short of asking your BF to just humor you in this one instance and sever all ties (given that your BF and Scott are not exactly close) and accepting whatever your BF's response might be.

    I know that's not very helpful!



  4. #24
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    Okay, I can sort of understand the texting being a bit unnerving though it's pretty normal if it's just a few times or less a day. You should really look at the contents of those texts and what he is saying or communicating, if anything. What else seems strange or off about him? How does he act towards you when you are with your BF?
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crackerdog View Post
    I am curious as to what you and BF are fighting over? I'm sorry if you already explained, I may have missed it.
    Oh no, sorry, guess I didn't explain that.
    And I will admit that I can be a bit of a crybaby so no need to point that out.

    For example, we're hosting a "friendsgiving" this weekend and are inviting a handful of friends over. I appreciate that BF didn't broach Scott. That said, we are trying to introduce one of our girlfriends to the "friend of a friend" who introduced us to Scott. Those two don't really hang out much as Scott is busy being enamored with BF. I mentioned that we should invite "friend of friend" on Saturday and BF said not without inviting Scott. It just rubbed me the wrong way.

    Truthfully, I do think that BF feels a bit sorry for Scott since he really has no friends...



  6. #26
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    Well, at least you can say he's somewhat compassionate. Most women can't say that about their men. That's always a selling point.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
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    Windsor--my computer doesn't like you and won't let me quote you. heh.

    Answer: While I would SO love to do that, I just can't...



  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by LexInVA View Post
    Well, at least you can say he's somewhat compassionate. Most women can't say that about their men. That's always a selling point.
    He definitely is. He's a much nicer person than I am.



  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Invested1 View Post
    No, not jealous of the time he spends with Scott at all. BF has other friends and I even encourage him to have "guy time" every week.

    And you're not telling me anything I don't already know/haven't already said. I agree with you that I need to let it go (which is what I said in my OP).

    But what difference does it make that he's my BF and not my husband? Would this be a different scenario if we were married? Does it matter that we have been together for 3 years and live together?
    It might just be my personal feelings here but marriage is a commitment and anything else is just extended dating with perks. You may have made a vocal agreement to be together but everything is still his/ hers and he or you can get up and go taking all your individual stuff with you if the mood strikes. Like playing house .


    You encourage him to have "guy time" ( what is that for exactly?) but it should be with guys you approve of, sounds like. If " scott" is really like you say, then you should encourage him to spend time with him, it will ensure that the women will stay away when they are out.

    Maybe if you got to know him a little he wouldn't be so threatening to you.



  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by LexInVA View Post
    Okay, I can sort of understand the texting being a bit unnerving though it's pretty normal if it's just a few times or less a day. You should really look at the contents of those texts and what he is saying or communicating, if anything. What else seems strange or off about him? How does he act towards you when you are with your BF?
    Really, that's normal? Even if BF doesn't respond for days? You know I love you Lex but I disagree on this point.

    I've seen some of the texts. For the (very) most part, they're "hey dude, wanna grab dinner?" "Hey, wanna go to the movies?" "hey, wanna do lunch?" "hey, wanna hang out?" "hey, i'm out on the town, you should join!" "hey, i'm still out, you have time to make it." "come on, hustle up, you're late to come play." "hey, you missed a great time last night."

    For the most part, it's really just a feeling that something is off about the guy.
    And BF knows I don't like him so we never invite him out with us, and BF only sees Scott on movie night and an occasional dinner (which i don't join).



  11. #31
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    It certainly is normal. Scott is obviously single and playing around in the urban playground and that's how people communicate these days. I see a lot of 20's and 30's who do exactly what he's doing and even HS kids do it through their crazy networks, so I don't think that is necessarily the big problem here, but rather that you and your BF together are not quite fitting into Scott's world and vice-versa. I'm also sure that there is something about Scott that makes you uneasy beyond the texting but you haven't been able to articulate that except to say that he gives you the Heebus Jeebus.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  12. #32
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    Candyapple, now I can't quote you! Argh!

    t might just be my personal feelings here but marriage is a commitment and anything else is just extended dating with perks. You may have made a vocal agreement to be together but everything is still his/ hers and he or you can get up and go taking all your individual stuff with you if the mood strikes. Like playing house .

    I don't disagree with any of that but I guess I don't see how it plays into this scenario? I don't see how any of this would be any different if we were married...

    You encourage him to have "guy time" ( what is that for exactly?) but it should be with guys you approve of, sounds like. If " scott" is really like you say, then you should encourage him to spend time with him, it will ensure that the women will stay away when they are out.
    Guy time= time with the guys without any girls around. Happy hour, dinner, movies, watching a game, whatever.
    How would BF hanging out with Scott ensure women stay away? Part of the reason I think Scott wants BF to go out with him is that BF is an attractive guy (I recognize that I may be biased on that one but it's true. ) and Scott is not. I'd bet the girls would come up to talk to BF and Scott hopes they'd turn to him when they realize BF is not single.

    Maybe if you got to know him a little he wouldn't be so threatening to you.
    While I absolutely abhor that idea, it's probably not a bad one.



  13. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by LexInVA View Post
    It certainly is normal. Scott is obviously single and playing around in the urban playground and that's how people communicate these days. I see a lot of 20's and 30's who do exactly what he's doing and even HS kids do it through their crazy networks, so I don't think that is necessarily the big problem here, but rather that you and your BF together are not quite fitting into Scott's world and vice-versa. I'm also sure that there is something about Scott that makes you uneasy beyond the texting but you haven't been able to articulate that except to say that he gives you the Heebus Jeebus.
    I still disagree. Scott texting BF 3 times one day, 5 times the next, 2 the following, and 5 the next day without ever getting a response is not normal. Social cues alone should tell him to take a step back. I go back to my comment that if some girl did this to a guy, men would call her crazy and a stage 5 clinger....



  14. #34
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    Ok, gotta run off to my lesson but I'll be back later.
    Don't have too much fun without me!



  15. #35
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    Are you a rather independent person? I can see why excessive clininess might annoy you if you generally are self reliant. Or,... maybe this is way over the top... but, is he attracted to your BF?

    Apart from that, since Scott isn't hostile, and your BF is not responding much to Scott, I don't see you can do anything other than accepting it is what it is. This kind of acceptance I think comes with age. The older I get, the less I get bothered - still do, just in a much lesser degree. I suppose when I'm dead, I would not be bothered by anything.

    A couple of months ago one of the "enthusiastically discussed" topics my husband and I had was relating to his female co-worker's boob job. She would text him, telling him details of her "remodel", and of course DH would come to me, saying, "hey, so and so said this and that." In this way, I learnt more about boob jobs and what they entail than I ever thought possible . She discussed whether she would go for D or settled for C - she wanted C but her husband wanted D. She detailed how her plastic surgeon basically told her "what she should have," how she stood naked in front of the walls so her doctor could draw lines on her boobs, and how she needed to wear something to press them down after the surgery to make them look "normal".

    All of these would have bothered me before, but now I'm just thoroughly amused. I'm a curious person so naturally I in turn tried to coerce DH to get more details, which he, to my disappointment, adamantly refused, "why do I want to talk to so and so about her boob job?" - "if you want to know whether they feel the same as the "real" one, ask her yourself!"



  16. #36
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    Social cues and texting do not go together. One of the problems with people who rely on phone calls and text like messaging or IM is that social cues become non-existent in the discourse and the fact that your BF does not respond, really means nothing in the context of their communication because they see one another in person and if Scott is not getting those social cues from you and your BF in person, then he will not understand what is going on from your point of view. Look at all the times posters try to figure out sarcasm on this board. That's because there is lack of emotive communication that gives context to the dialogue that people type out here.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by LexInVA View Post
    Social cues and texting do not go together. One of the problems with people who rely on phone calls and text like messaging or IM is that social cues become non-existent in the discourse and the fact that your BF does not respond, really means nothing in the context of their communication because they see one another in person and if Scott is not getting those social cues from you and your BF in person, then he will not understand what is going on from your point of view.
    Ohhhh . . . I really disagree. When you reach out to someone repeatedly and get no response--ESPECIALLY when the response (a text message) would only take seconds to send--the lack of response should be a clue to anyone who actually HAS, well, a clue.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
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    Scott sounds like a PITA, and he sounds so pathetic with the stalker behavior with the texts. I can see why he doesn't have any friends, and I certainly wouldn't invite him for Thanksgiving. Maybe your BF will get sick of the texting and clinginess, and dump him.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


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  19. #39
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    I guess I kind of feel sorry for the guy from the description of it. Yeah he sounds clingy and incessant, but what is the big problem? If your boyfriend was the one really upset about it, then it's one thing. But it doesn't seem to bother him, so I'd take my lead from him (the boyfriend). And if Scott has a crush (bromance or genuine attraction to your bf) then so what? I'd understand if other people, man or woman, were attracted to MrB :-)
    There's a man who has been hanging out with MrB at adoption events with our rescue group. He was involved in a farming accident years ago and has permanent brain damage. He sounds a lot like this Scott guy, actually! Says some uncomfortable things every once in a while, doesn't always say truthful things (ie telling people that are looking at a dog who is selectively dog friendly at best that she would love the dog park... no no no!), sometimes not having any voice volume control when strangers approach who may look different (flamboyant men, really overweight people, for example).... We've hesitated in giving him an actual volunteer shirt because really he doesn't give a great impression sometimes. He can be infuriating because it's difficult to get through to him that some comments, or jokes, aren't appropriate (his first response to that is to grab the nearest stranger and repeat the offending/offensive joke as if proving it is fine!)... but overall, he's a nice guy who really can't help that he has zero social filter. I think if mrb mentioned inviting that guy to friendsgiving, I'd at first yelp NO WAY, too! But if it meant the difference between him having a nice time and him staying home and being alone, I think I'd swallow my pride (or ideal dinner) and include him.
    I don't think scott has to become your next bff, but if he is just socially inept but non threatening, I'd let it be. But I'd also not hesitate to tell him if he said things that weren't 'right', like the photo comment. He probably would have gotten a, "haha buddy... yeah, no way!" From me, for that! And I'd also expect MrB to do the same if scott made some semi-come on comments to me.
    (A decidedly unhorsey) MrB knocks over a feed bucket at the tack shop and mutters, "Oh crap. I failed the stadium jumping phase."
    (he does listen!)



  20. #40
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    He sounds like a very single guy that is used to hanging out with single friends (and FWIW, he probably thinks of your BF as a "whipped" man for not coming on all his spontaneous adventures).

    I can't remember exactly how long you said this has been going on, but eventually he should get tired of being turned down and move on. Mr. Heinz had friends like this (without the creep-o factor, though) when we first got together, and then engaged, that would text him at odd hours to do random stuff pretty frequently. Most of them got the picture eventually.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson



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