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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul. 3, 2012
    Posts
    11

    Default Failure to show gratitude

    I have noticed a couple of situations lately where I've been surprised at what seems to me, anyway, as a marked failure to say even a simple "thank-you" to people.

    In my own experience, I spent a substantial amount of time doing some graphic design work for a friend starting a new business, and even printed up the first set of business cards, figuring we'd trade a yummy cupcake or two for my time. Not only were there no baked goods forthcoming (it was a small baking business), but not even a single, solitary "thank-you" was said to me for my time. This isn't a close friend, though it is someone I've known for years, but I was surprised when not only was there no "thank-you" but in fact, she was irritated that the cards had been created in a program she didn't have on her computer, and when she wanted to be given the design to be able to change, I couldn't just make that happen. I was rather taken aback by this, and mentioned it to a mutual friend who is closer to her than I am, and was told "yeah, she's just like that and rarely says thank-you, but if you ever need her, she'll be there for you."

    Color me confused, as this is a person who normally has lovely manners.

    Then today, I got a call from an old friend, and while chatting, he mentions to me that a mutual friend who had been keeping her horses on his place, totally cost free, got both horses sold/placed elsewhere, and were just gone. No "thank-you" for the opportunity to keep them here, no nothing. It was bad enough that none of the promised work/chores that were to be done in return for the free board ever happened, but to just up and be gone with the horses without even a thank you? In addition, years ago, this old friend of mine was the one that had gotten the young lady the horse, for free, just because he liked her and wanted to see her have a horse of her own.

    He wasn't angry or stewing over the situation, but like me, was really puzzled, as he thought this young lady had been raised better.

    Has saying thank you and showing gratitude gone out of fashion? Am I missing something here? While I wouldn't ever say anything to either of the people I'm mentioning here, it certainly changes how I think of them in general, and whether I would ever go out of my way for them again.

    Or maybe I'm just an old fuddy-duddy and should get over it and move on to becoming more modern?


    10 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2012
    Posts
    1,841

    Default

    You're not a fuddy-duddy. I'm young-ish, and I too have similar thoughts about many people. We, as a society, has become way too "me-driven" - others be damned. It's unsettling.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    9,656

    Default

    You are NOT alone!!

    I think it stems from lack of awareness of others, not just a case of ingratitude. Think about it. Have you been walked into recently, or bumped? Were you even acknowledged? I can't yell you how many times I've been knocked into, and it was like being invisible.

    So of course, if we (as a society) treat other people as non-entities, why do we deserve a thanks??
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov. 7, 2009
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    65

    Default

    Yes...sadly not uncommon.
    I have done a few free photo sessions for friends/acquaintances. Some of them never even said a simple Thank you. I spent about an hour on the actual photo session plus several hours tweaking the pictures on photoshop. Did not ask for money - did not expect money but a Thank you would have been nice. A Thank You and some feedback (I like this picture the most because....) would have been even better.
    So, I hear ya! Gratefulness is out of style.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2000
    Location
    Way down south in the land of Sugar Cane
    Posts
    959

    Default

    I think people are just not taught manners anymore. I try very hard to thank people for anything they do for me and if they go out of their way then I make a point of making sure they know I appreciate it. It takes so little time to say "Thanks for ..." yet so many people are 'too busy' to do it.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul. 29, 2006
    Location
    Colorado- Yee Haw!
    Posts
    2,758

    Default

    I was stopped at school the other day and a teacher told me she was so impressed with how polite my daughter was b/c she came to her class and asked if she could please borrow something and said thank you afterwards. I was glad she behaved as taught, but a little taken aback that basic manners were something that a teacher would think was remarkable. Granted she was just two at the time. And she does still say Thank you Welcome - it's a work in progress.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2006
    Posts
    8,563

    Default

    There are even COTH causes that I have responded to, sending checks along with a personal handwritten note and received not even an acknowledgement of RECEIPT, much less a thanks. They have plenty of time to continue posting repeatedly for the cause but apparently none to send some sort of reply saying "Hey thanks!" It's not like my name isn't on the check....
    It's not like I haven't met these people in person and corresponded with them previously...

    Whatever.
    I guess I could go look at the bank records to see if it was cashed.


    My mother is a little overboard on the demanding acknowledgment, and seems to expect me to thank her for gifts repeatedly over a course of several years following the gifting ("Do you EVER WEAR that SWEATER??!! Do you LIKE it???!!!" for all of eternity), and will even call to inquire if I received her email forward about sleeping cats, so I try not to be one of those people, ...but I do like at least a verbal acknowledgement of "Thanks for the check/dogsitting/bringing dinner/whatever."
    Last edited by meupatdoes; Nov. 6, 2012 at 05:32 PM.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2004
    Location
    Charlotte
    Posts
    1,522

    Default

    And on the other hand....

    About two months ago, I ordered 2 baby pads from Ron and Danny's Rescue, a dog rescue organization run by Ron Danta and Danny Robertshaw (outstanding people, outstanding organization!). I received the pads in a couple days- long before I expected them to arrive. Fast forward to last week and I received a hand-written card thanking me for buying the baby pads and supporting their cause. It really made my day!
    "Life is too short to be a slave to the whims of others." -- RugBug, COTH


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr. 13, 2005
    Location
    Rochester NY
    Posts
    1,670

    Default

    definitely a pet peeve! Sometimes I let it go, life is too short, etc. Sometimes I state the work that went into whatever I've done for the person and say YOU'RE WELCOME (hint!). But then I'm suddenly the bad guy Maybe people don't stop to realize what you've done for them, maybe they just don't care, but in either case it is just plain rude - and I am NOT an old fuddy duddy. *I* usually say thanks in person, and then follow it up either with an email or thank you note, depending on what/who it was.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2003
    Location
    Nonsuch House
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    3,507

    Default

    Shockingly, it seems to be a trend. In the last few years I have helped a friend (I thought a friend) out with a horse situation and kept the horse for a month, gave another "friend" a tube of ulcergard at an event and had a couple of other incidents with people that apparently do not feel the need to say thank you.

    I did not get a thank you nor did anyone offer to pay for my kindness, sadly I am highly unlikely to offer anything again unless I know the person has a standing record of repaying kindness. I'm still nice, but not as nice as I used to be.
    RIP Kelly 1977-2007 "Wither thou goest, so shall I"

    "To tilt when you should withdraw is Knightly too."


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2010
    Posts
    1,724

    Default

    Oh my, one of my lifelong pet peeves! Think about the last time you bought something at a store. Did they just hand you the bag and say "Here you go!". I realized that this approach has turned the normal sales dialog on its ear. Instead of the store person handing you the bag and saying "Thank you!" and the customer says "You're welcome", they now say "Here you go!" and the *customer* says "Thank you!". I find it extremely irritating when this happens and I refuse to say thank you under these circumstances. I usually say something stupid like OK! and walk off. Guess I'm getting old and crotchety!

    And don't even get me started about the kinfolk who never say thanks for a present, the subordinates who I bought appreciation gifts for who never even acknowledged that they received anything, etc etc. I do, however, lavish praise on anyone who writes me a note or otherwise says thanks for anything.

    And, last but not least, I *always, always, always* remember to say or write thanks for the least little kindness.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2009
    Location
    Alberta's bread basket
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    1,579

    Default

    Yes, this is very pervasive throughout our society these days.

    A number of times, I've waited for someone to say thank-you, and upon not getting the thank-you (such as a cashier not saying "thank-you, have a nice day"), then I will just state, "you're welcome and you have a nice day too".

    Sometimes, most times, it gets a point across, although some individuals remain with a stuporous blank face. Just no clue.
    http://www.mariposasporthorses.com/

    Practice! Patience! Persistence!



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2001
    Location
    Finally...back in civilization, more or less
    Posts
    11,438

    Default

    I can't explain it to you, but I can commiserate.

    The other day I was in the local Dover Saddlery, just browsing. I looked up to see a mother loudly complaining that they were not getting adequate service - "I don't know WHERE the saleslady is! This is ridiculous!" The sales woman was actually right behind her, and quietly said, "I'm right here, and I just checked the computer for you, but I can't seem to find a record of that purchase." The teenager who was shopping with her Mom smiled and said something to the effect of, "no problem, we can figure it out, sorry for the trouble," whereupon the mother snapped, "Don't EVER do that again!" The teen, confused, said, "What? All I did was say I'm sorry." To which the mother replied, "YOU NEVER APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE. SHE WORKS HERE, THAT'S HER JOB."

    Teen had the good sense to look mortified, as all the nearby shoppers looked at her in horror. Mother then made a big production of getting on her cell phone and calling someone - the trainer maybe? - to complain that, "I don't know why anyone shops here, the help is terrible. We wanted that cute little face brush that so and so had, do you know where we can get it? Oh, the other store! Well, we prefer to shop there anyway... blahblahblah."

    Unbelievable.
    **********
    We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
    -PaulaEdwina



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2007
    Location
    Burbank, California
    Posts
    721

    Default

    I am right there with you! It isn't just the younger generation, either. My father in law had a bad accident 3 years ago, leaving him in a permanently vegetative state. To our surprise, he left his financial house in a mess. MIL has plenty of income, but the taxes, etc. have been a bear to untangle, as has been the insurance. My husband and I work at least, oh, 5-10 hours a week on her "administrative" stuff and have for about the last 3 years. We're 1 week away from having all of the IRS stuff totally taken care of and my MIL back to a clean slate...and she called us at 10:30 Saturday night to scream at my husband about some random notice she got from the IRS (she's been getting them for 3 years while we attempt to resolve, they are auto generated, we've been over the exact same notices before, etc etc). I have been very sick (she knows) and we had been out to go to a fundraiser for one of our city's non-profits, having some fun finally because I felt like getting out. She SCREAMED at my husband that going to dinner was not more important than dealing with HER IRS problems, and that he isn't spending enough time on it. The poor guy already works 12 hour days!

    ETA: She called at 10:30 PM because that is when she got around to opening her mail. How nice.

    My sister in law is the same way. She demands that my husband deal with all of her problems any time she has any, right away, even though she is 28 and college educated. Never a thank you, and thinks that no one is entitled to any breaks but her.

    It astounds me. If someone is helping you or doing something for you that they don't have to do, say thank you, at least! If not bake them cookies or something. Sheesh.
    "Look, I'm trying not to test the durability of the arena with my face!" (Because only GM can do that.)



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun. 26, 2001
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,304

    Default

    How incredibly timely this thread is! I have a consulting business and have helped a new business get up and running as a favor over the last 2 years. Never charged them a dime. Young couple getting going in life. However now it seems that the wife thinks I am her personal consultant and that I should jump through hoops whenever she needs something.

    I know I am at fault for being a giver but still. Never got a thank you from her (him yes all the time) her nothing, just more demands on my time for freesies.

    I had to set her straight last week; if you want me to go over your marketing plan and tweak it the cost will be $100 per hour my regular rate. I think she wet her little panties, they were certainly in a twist! She couldn't believe that I was going to charge her. I had to look her in the eye and say "do you work for free?" "Well I no longer work for you for free".
    Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!!



  16. #16
    Join Date
    May. 2, 2001
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    4,621

    Default

    You guys make me feel better! This is also one of my pet peeves, and I had figured that I was turning into one of those "get off my lawn!" crotchety curmudgeons. At least I am not alone!

    I even keep a supply of my thank you notes with me at all times, so that if I need to send someone a thank you, it is easily done and I won't forget.

    Saying thank you goes a long way!

    Libby
    *Proud member of the Hoof Fetish Clique*
    **********************************
    I have Higher Standards ...do you? Find us on FB!
    Higher Standards Custom Leather Care -- Handcrafted Saddle Soap



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2001
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    4,365

    Default

    I find this with people who are actually very nice and help me sometimes for which I always thank them. I let a couple kids borrow my horses for a few things and got not a single thank you. It does make me rather pissy



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2002
    Posts
    3,795

    Default

    You're certainely not alone. It always surprises me how people can be "cavalier" with showing gratitude, even if it's just a "thank you" during a conversation! I helped a good friend of mine get a contract job (and also a "foot in the place"), and it took him MONTHS to thank me, even tho I saw him / talked to him many times.
    And that is just one example. I find my "friends" are the ones who don't thank me, lol! The people I don't know as well are much more considerate.
    Maybe it's something to do with me...?!!!
    Ottbs - The finish line is only the beginning!



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar. 27, 2011
    Location
    The Land of Buggies and Black Bumpers
    Posts
    859

    Default

    I am the feed sales and service person for a small locally owned business. The owner, who is middle aged, started working there as a teenager and eventually bought the business. One of the greatest things about working for him is the example he sets- especially for our teenagers working in the store- he tells every customer that he encounters thank you and how much he appreciates their business. He treats employees the same way! It makes you acutally want to go to work!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Mar. 22, 2005
    Location
    Where it is perpetually winter
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    5,043

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by TheJenners View Post
    You are NOT alone!!

    I think it stems from lack of awareness of others, not just a case of ingratitude. Think about it. Have you been walked into recently, or bumped? Were you even acknowledged? I can't yell you how many times I've been knocked into, and it was like being invisible.

    So of course, if we (as a society) treat other people as non-entities, why do we deserve a thanks??
    I just got knocked over today by someone at my university - and I'm on crutches!!! It was so rude.

    My parents taught me to always say please and thank you, and I make sure I always do!



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