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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Nov. 5, 2002
    Location
    way out west
    Posts
    3,175

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    I'm 12 years into my widowhood, and your points were excellent. It seems like forever since my husband died, and yet still seems like only yesterday, too. People don't mean to be insensitive, I know, but they still says the dumbest things. Oh well. I'm sure I've put my foot in my mouth in different situations. Mostly I think they're just so glad they're not in my shoes. And I'm lucky, have great kids, a great support system, and we had planned ahead before we even knew he had cancer so we had trusts and a will and resources in place. Even so, you can't be too organized or prepared. Mostly, to the wives out there, make sure you know where your accounts are, that you know who to call and what questions to ask. The first year was the hardest, but it never gets easy, to be honest. It's just a new normal. Good luck to you.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Mar. 24, 2004
    Location
    Central PA
    Posts
    1,269

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    Thank you for such a helpful thread. Imagine how many people will be touched because of it.



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2009
    Location
    Alberta's bread basket
    Posts
    1,622

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    Quote Originally Posted by Freebird! View Post
    A few things not to say to a widow: (that have all been said to me)
    . . .

    "I know just how you feel. We just had to put our dog down." (???)
    Your whole post was lovely and spot on.

    I just had to exclaim - they REALLY compared your loss to that of a dog???? Wow. Just wow.

    <HUGS>
    https://www.facebook.com/MariposaSportHorses

    Practice! Patience! Persistence!



  4. #24
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    7,405

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    I am so sorry for your loss, Freebird!. Thank you for posting this. Some great tips here and I will keep them in mind.

    I sincerely hope the "thumbs down" was meant as a "so sorry, this sucks," not a disapproval of your post. Otherwise there is something seriously wrong with that person.

    ((hugs))



  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jul. 29, 2006
    Location
    Colorado- Yee Haw!
    Posts
    2,949

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    Thank you for the wake up call. I am so sorry you have to learn this stuff first hand. Hugs.



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2008
    Location
    Snohomish, WA
    Posts
    4,116

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    The one that I think is really bad is Arent you over that yet. Like you can get over it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Freebird! View Post
    This isn't a woe is me thread, but as I lay awake tonight, thinking about the past five months, it struck me that I should share with y'all a few things I have learned:

    1) Get a life insurance policy, and read the small print for it.

    2) Get a Will - even if you are young.

    3) if your job does not pay to Social Security, then you need to have 1. Even more.

    4) Make your wishes known to someone, in writing. Death can bring out the crazy in people, so writing down what songs you want played, or if you want an open or closed casket will go far in decreasing family squabbles.

    5) Take pictures. Often. The pictures I have of my husband are priceless, and are the only thing my 22 month old has to remember her Daddy by.

    6) Save your cards and letters to each other. Even a post-it note on the fridge could be a priceless memory one day.

    7) Realize that some things really don't matter. Tired of picking up his boxers or putting the toilet lid down? You may be missing it one day.

    8) A few things not to say to a widow: (that have all been said to me)
    "They're in a better place". (Yes, in our case he is, but that doesn't make me miss him any less)
    "God has a plan." (Agreed, but not something you tell a grieving person)
    "Are you better now" (You get better from colds, not from being a widow)
    "Why would you want to keep that?" (Because throwing it out is too painful right now)
    "I know just how you feel. We just had to put our dog down." (???)
    "We'll, life goes on." (Yes it does, but sometimes I feel like I'm standing still.)

    9) Treat everyone as if its the last time you will ever see them. One day you may be right.

    10) The first few weeks after a death, the family gets plenty of support, but know that the hardest time for grieving parents, kids and spouses is a few months after their loss.



  7. #27
    Join Date
    Sep. 12, 2006
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    3,854

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    Totally agree with OP and my condolences My mother in law passed away unexpectedly two months ago and one thing that helped her son and grandkids was a handwritten note she'd attached to her will. And the fact that she'd spoke often about how she wanted to leave this life. It was such a comfort to know that truly, this was how she would have wanted it. The note she left will always be cherished by her family, even though it was just quick and silly, it brought peace to us.

    Always be thinking of the people who will have to handle your affairs after your passing. A little life insurance just to pay funeral expenses will go a long way. Make your wishes expressly known in every detail.



  8. #28
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2008
    Location
    Snohomish, WA
    Posts
    4,116

    Default

    You have my sincerest condolences on your loss.
    There is no time limit in your grief.
    ((Hugs))

    Quote Originally Posted by Freebird! View Post
    This isn't a woe is me thread, but as I lay awake tonight, thinking about the past five months, it struck me that I should share with y'all a few things I have learned:

    1) Get a life insurance policy, and read the small print for it.

    2) Get a Will - even if you are young.

    3) if your job does not pay to Social Security, then you need to have 1. Even more.

    4) Make your wishes known to someone, in writing. Death can bring out the crazy in people, so writing down what songs you want played, or if you want an open or closed casket will go far in decreasing family squabbles.

    5) Take pictures. Often. The pictures I have of my husband are priceless, and are the only thing my 22 month old has to remember her Daddy by.

    6) Save your cards and letters to each other. Even a post-it note on the fridge could be a priceless memory one day.

    7) Realize that some things really don't matter. Tired of picking up his boxers or putting the toilet lid down? You may be missing it one day.

    8) A few things not to say to a widow: (that have all been said to me)
    "They're in a better place". (Yes, in our case he is, but that doesn't make me miss him any less)
    "God has a plan." (Agreed, but not something you tell a grieving person)
    "Are you better now" (You get better from colds, not from being a widow)
    "Why would you want to keep that?" (Because throwing it out is too painful right now)
    "I know just how you feel. We just had to put our dog down." (???)
    "We'll, life goes on." (Yes it does, but sometimes I feel like I'm standing still.)

    9) Treat everyone as if its the last time you will ever see them. One day you may be right.

    10) The first few weeks after a death, the family gets plenty of support, but know that the hardest time for grieving parents, kids and spouses is a few months after their loss.



  9. #29
    Join Date
    Jun. 10, 2001
    Location
    Rising Sun, Maryland, USA
    Posts
    5,126

    Default

    So well written. Hugs. And I don't know... I'm 3 years out and to me the 1st year is a blur, but at least you have some support. After the 2nd year people seem to forget you ever had a husband. My widow/widower friends on FB have been a great support... they get it... they've been through it.. they've lived it. I found an interesting quote on FB & followed it to the source and found a neat article written by a rabbi who does grief counseling- especially for children- http://www.highmarkcaringplace.com/c...grollman.shtml

    These were some of the best quotes that I picked out
    Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.- Earl Grollman
    "Time heals," we hear. Time doesn't do anything. Time is neutral. Time doesn't do anything, it's what you do with time that matters." Earl Grollman
    It's important to mention the person's name. Many people don't even want to mention the person's name, because we think this will create even more problems. Please say that name. If we can talk about their death, then maybe we can talk about their life.

    And on their birthday, their anniversary, when holidays come around, call up and say "I'm thinking of you." Write down the anniversary of the death, and call them then. For everybody else it's just another day, just another day in June. For them it's a day that lives in infamy. It takes a second. But it means so much. Earl Grollman
    My husband would have turned 39 on 11/9. My son and I plan to take part in a volunteer event planting bulbs in "Hope Garden" for American Cancer Society/Relay for Life.
    http://www.leakycreek.com/
    http://leakycreek.wordpress.com/ Rainbows & Mourning Doves Blog
    John P. Smith II 1973-2009 Love Always
    Father, Husband, Friend, Firefighter- Cancer Sucks- Cure Melanoma


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2004
    Location
    Medford Oregon
    Posts
    919

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    If you have kids younger than college age and you're a single parent, PLEASE make arrangements so that if something happens they have someone. My mom died when I was 15 and I basically got the "well I can't take her you take her" treatment and was left in the care of my insane grandparents. I still have issues from the time I spent with them, so please write it all out, know if something happens to you *or you AND your spouse, that it's all agreed on before something happens.

    I thought losing my mom was the worst thing that could happen to me, but I got taken from my home (which my grandparents emptied of all our things) and I awoke from a bout of the chicken pox on a mattress in my room. Everything was boxed up or given away, with no idea where it all went. I felt totally lost and alone for a long time.

    When my best friend had a baby I insisted that she write out a directive and where and how if something happened to her and her husband where her daughter would be placed which, knowing what happened to me, she totally understood.
    Last edited by darkmoonlady; Nov. 8, 2012 at 02:07 AM. Reason: spelling


    1 members found this post helpful.

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