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  1. #1

    Default It wouldn't be Off Topic Day with out the is my spouse cheating thread right??

    Or is there already another one out there already??

    Ok so here is the scenario. I am desperately in love with DH and I am worried that it clouds my judgement. We have a 3 year old and I have a 8 year old that lives with us full time. He is a wonderful dad to both. He is sweet and loving to me. Our sex life has been down since I had the baby. (TMI sorry! ) but all in all we live a happy life.

    Issue one is I have been lied to and deceived over the years by HIM. He was in the military and had a minor drug issue ( I'm talking mostly pot here...really minor). He promised me not to while enlisted because a dishonorable discharge would have ruined our lives. I did not live with him while he was enlisted. He would go out with friends and about a month later he would tell me he had to do a system cleanse because of an up coming drug test or would let slip about being high. We would have a huge fight he would tell me he forgot his promise and it would never happen again. This happened maybe 3 times.

    When he came home he was really bad ( PTSD...) we had fights I told him to leave. I had very strict "Rules" regarding pot in the house and around the kids etc. While he has been good about not being high when the kids are up there have been many slip ups over the last four years ( not involving the kids! ) if he promised only once on the weekends it would soon be four days before I knew it!

    It's always the same story "I'm so sorry I forgot the promise it will never happen again." The most recent was two weeks ago. the only thing that kept me from leaving was that my horse almost died and he was my pillar of strength.

    So now comes the cheating issue. A few months ago our dog got in the garbage. When I cleaned it up there was an opened condom. I called him freaking out because we don't use them. I didn't freak out at him but I was freaked. We had no friends over recently and I asked about it. He claimed he had no idea. I totally forgot about it until about 3-4 weeks ago there was a condom wrapper sitting on my computer desk when we all came home from somewhere. I know it was out of his dresser drawer ( yes they are in there in case I forget the pill or something..but we hadn't used one in MONTHS) I think the cat found it somewhere and was carrying it around. However this doesn't change the where the heck did it come from!!!
    He swears he hasn't cheated etc. Certainly not a chance at home but I'm not with him at work!

    I have issues with this because I have been lied to before. Multiple times for that matter. Second is the random condoms don't bother him. He says his peace and never thinks about it again! Third is that he has been very accommodating. I have been in a depression and haven't done squat around the house. Normally he would be having fits by now and he's not. It could be because he hasn't been smoking pot on a regular basis but now I'm starting to feel like it's a "oh shit I better be nice to her thing"

    I told him I find out he lies to me again and I am gone. I think I always forgive him to easily!

    Anyways I am looking for outside opinions and thoughts as I am filled with anger right now but have no reason to not really believe him about cheating...



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2009
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    When it comes to cheating, where there is smoke, there is usually fire. However, you have put up with his behavior and lies for so long that it makes me wonder why you continue in the relationship. The evidence is there....even if a condom "magically" appeared from somewhere, how long are you willing to be lied to about the drugs? He could lose his job, go to jail, endanger you and your kids. Yes, pot is "just pot", but it's still illegal. It's time for you to decide whether or not you want more. Personally, life is too short, I'd be moving on. Being lied to will twist your mind until you don't even know what you believe after a while. You have two young children to raise, it certainly sounds like you don't need what this DH is bringing as well.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
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    If I found condom wrappers and I wasn't using them, and didn't have any teenage boys or older men in the house then my husband and I would be in counselling or divorced...

    Don't just simmer about it. Either go to counselling, tell him to move out, or decide it's ok if he did cheat, and stay married. But 2nd guessing, and doing nothing is going to kill you, and most assuredly kill your marriage.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Before you go loading the shotgun, you might want to consider whether or not he simply masturbated into the condom for sanitary purposes. That is not uncommon amongst men living with women - believe it or not - and that may be the answer. On the other hand, the information given about him before the revelation of the condoms does indicate a proclivity for sexual activity outside your relationship and it would not be surprising if it was happening, regardless of your finding the remnants of condom use laying around.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    I think counseling would be the way to go if you want to be in a marriage where you can trust each other or at least make a decision with all of the information in front of you. The drugs thing is big in my mind. I'm not all against recreational drug use for others...it's not for me, but whatevs. However, when you do it knowing it could put your job at risk? You have a problem, right?
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  6. #6
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    Apr. 26, 2009
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    Lex I thought the same thing you wrote but then why wouldn't he have just told her that? I'd rather feel weird admitting something like that than have my spouse think something else.
    The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.



  7. #7
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    Jan. 14, 2009
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    Check out 'codependency' on google. It's probably why you allow him to continually lie to you.

    You know he doesn't 'forget' the promise, right?

    If he's willing to lie to you about something 'so minor' (You really think drug use at his age is minor? Or that continually lying to you is minor? Or that continually doing drugs behind your back is minor? Or do you think that he has clouded your judgement?), there's a huge chance he's lying to you about something major.

    If he won't accept counseling, get a divorce. You can't fix a relationship if he wants to keep your head in the sands.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
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    I can't imagine that a guy who is so inconsiderate in general would suddenly become considerate enough to masturbate into a condom? But I also kind of doubt he's having sex around the house - that's pretty unusual - most cheating spouses go outside the family home to have sex, and dispose of their condoms there. To leave the evidence around speaks of not caring if you find out, which just strikes me as odd, and gives credence to Lex's theory. But then why wouldn't he just say that?



  9. #9
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    I'm impressed that he actually uses a condom when he cheats. So you won't have to worry about the hiv, but you could still get the herp.
    \"Non-violence never solved anything.\" C. Montgomery Burns




  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by jetsmom View Post
    If I found condom wrappers and I wasn't using them, and didn't have any teenage boys or older men in the house then my husband and I would be in counselling or divorced...

    This. Condom wrappers do not magically appear, and cats do not go digging them out of the neighbor's trashcan.
    Honestly, it almost seems like he wants you to find out. it's not that hard to throw these things away in trash cans away from home, if he wanted to hide it. So, either he is really stupid, or just doesn't care if you find out.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by LexInVA View Post
    Before you go loading the shotgun, you might want to consider whether or not he simply masturbated into the condom for sanitary purposes. That is not uncommon amongst men living with women - believe it or not - and that may be the answer. On the other hand, the information given about him before the revelation of the condoms does indicate a proclivity for sexual activity outside your relationship and it would not be surprising if it was happening, regardless of your finding the remnants of condom use laying around.
    I'd see this as a possibility. Have you considered going to get checked for STIs in case he is cheating?
    Hugs,
    D>
    Founder of the I LOFF my worrywart TB clique!
    Official member of the "I Sing Silly Songs to My Animals!" Clique
    http://wilddiamondintherough.blogspot.ca/



  12. #12
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    Condom wrapper on your computerdesk made me immediately think he was looking at porn on the computer and used a condom. You said you were not having much sex. Maybe he is just filling the void so to speak....


    5 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ponyclubrocks View Post
    Condom wrapper on your computerdesk made me immediately think he was looking at porn on the computer and used a condom. You said you were not having much sex. Maybe he is just filling the void so to speak....

    This, exactly, and he was too embarrassed to tell you that that was the case.



  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaintedHunter View Post
    This, exactly, and he was too embarrassed to tell you that that was the case.
    or has the same really horrible short term memory of my husband (who also has PTSD) and doesn't remember using it or leaving it there.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson



  15. #15
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    You need counseling to figure out why you are tolerating this behavior and if you say for the kids, let me remind you what a fine example you are setting for them by allowing him to lie to you (a form of cheating). As for him sexually cheating on you. No, I don't think he is. I think he's watching porn on the PC and using the condom to save cleaning up.

    Whatever, your marriage is in trouble and if he won't go to counseling with you, then go by yourself to find enough background and strength to leave.
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
    Check out my Kryswyn JRTs on Facebook

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  16. #16
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    I had a co-worker whose story is terrifyingly similiar to yours.

    GET OUT AND GET HIM HELP

    She is finally free, but it was 2 years of awful.

    He tried to kill himself when he was alone in the house with her children. He got her to sign on a loan for a motorcycle. He refused to leave the house SHE put the down payment and payments on because she loved him and put him on the mortgage because it was supposed to be their happy home. When he physically assaulted her, she had to let the house go to foreclosure so she could afford an apartment to get her kids away. And yes, there was cheating.

    PSTD is a terrible thing. He needs professional help. She couldn't help him with only her love. You have to do what's right for your kids and this situation is not right, no matter how much you love him.



  17. #17
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    Open condom or used condom? Is it possible the 8 year old was being nosy and opened one to check it out?
    Delicious strawberry flavored death!



  18. #18
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    He's already lying about drug use, and don't bet it's just pot either. And he's lied repeatedly, so you believe him now? Are you sure no one is coming over when you're gone? Such as his friends who leave the wrappers after using your spare condoms? You do realize what happens if he gets caught with drugs in the house don't you?
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



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