I always told myself this: "You were a strong independent woman before him, and you damn well can be after him. You will be just fine, just like you were before. It's not the end of the world"
It got me through a breakup of a 6 year term, first serious boyfriend, got together when I was in high school, stayed together with a few rough patches or "breaks" but they didn't last long. He was definitely like a son-in-law for my parents, him and my dad had a side business together.
When it ended for good, I just kept telling myself that I was strong, I could do it, and thought of all the bad that made me want to WRING HIS NECK when we were together.
It turned out for the best...he was a scumbag who ended up suing my parents for $28,000 over something ridiculous (he didn't win, thankfully) after I had moved on and he started dating a married woman.
So much for being grateful for those who support you...
"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."
No real advice, but just know that you are not alone. My husband walked out of our 15 year marriage in May. I'll spare you all the gory details, but just wanted to let you know that time does seem to make it easier. That's not to say I don't have my moments (furnace quit last week). Crying whenever it strikes you, getting enough rest and eating every day helps too. My horse does not judge the tears. Hope you feel better soon.
Horses are safe here at my parents. Cats are with the ex for now, since my parents have elderly cats and we don't know if they'd all get along. Ex has offered to keep the cats for as long as I need him to, which is nice. He is a major animal lover and I know he'll take great care of them. He has also offered to free board my older gelding if I lease out my younger horse. The ex really is a nice guy...which makes it harder!
I'm going to pick up all of my horse stuff (tack, meds, blankets, trunks, buckets, etc etc etc) tomorrow after my shrink appt. (ex will be at work). The moving gets me really emotional. I just now unpacked the back seat of my truck, which has been packed since day 1 of the breakup. I bawled my eyes out doing it.
Had a decent night tonight. Went to a friends, hung out with her farrier, our vet and a few other people. Horses and horse people are soothing right now.
Charlie Brown (1994 bay TB X gelding)
White Star (2004 grey TB gelding)
I'm so sorry- it hurts to have your heart broken. It's happened to me many times (to be fair, I have also broken my share of hearts too). There is a great deal of good advice here. What always helped me was to make up a humorous song highlighting all of the problems/negative aspects of the ex and the relationship. Helps if/when you have a weak moment. Best of luck to you- things WILL get better!
I have been fortunate in my ability to recover from devastating breakups quickly. My first was hard. Then I met someone better. That breakup was hard...then I met someone better. Rinse and repeat. By my mid-20's I welcomed the breakup as the invigorating freedom and excitement I felt from the unknown really was amazing. I learned that not only would I not die, I would meet someone else and learn wonderful new things about myself! After my divorce I had surprisingly the best year of my life! I traveled, focused on my riding, made new friends, got new hobbies, kissed gorgeous guys under waterfalls, on beaches, in the rain...in bars too! LOL I learned to embrace my singleness and devour every bit of the adventure you get from not being tied down! One day you will meet Mr. Right and settle down. So live it up while you can! Enjoy having no one to report to. Enjoy not knowing that tomorrow you could go to the grocery store, drop a can and look up to find the man of your dreams reaching to help you! Enjoy that on a night out you could meet a beautiful man and spend the night laughing and talking and kissing! It's SOOOOO FUN!!!
Here is my advice and my routine for going through a breakup:
1) Allow yourself 1 week to be really pathetic and sad. Then you need to start focusing on positive things instead of negative. You can't read the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading the last one!
2) Remember that while I'm sure he had great qualities you were not actually in love with HIM. You were in love with how he made you feel about yourself...how you saw yourself in his eyes. In essence you were just madly in love with yourself so keep being in love with yourself! And not only will you find someone to make you feel that way again if you already love yourself they will just add on to it...making it better!
3) Pick 10 things you hated about him. Everytime you start reminiscing about the good old days start reliving that list in as much detail as possible!
4) Go get yourself done up! A haircut, new boots or a makeup consultation! If you look good you feel good!
5) Throw out all your underwear and replace them with new ones! New undies for a new man! It's my favorite breakup tradition :-)
6) Find a new hobby or increase your riding time. After your "Woe is Me" week is finished get your butt moving! The less time you sit around and pine the faster you heal. Depression can set in fast if you don't push yourself out of your comfort zone a bit.
7) My ultimate personal favorite. Go out with your girlies. Get all dolled up and go play some eye tag with the cuties! The butterflies in your stomach as you catch a smile from a potential suitor start to erase the empty pit feeling very quick! And when you're ready kiss someone!!! Break yourself free! I have HILARIOUS stories about my post-breakup ritual first kisses that will have you peeing in your pants!! I'd be happy to share them if you need a solid laugh!
So I know it's easier said then done but just realize he's just one man in tens of millions. To think you won't find someone better is ludacris (says the girl who is lying in bed typing this next to her fiancé who looks like a hotter Josh Hartnett, who leaves her love notes every day, puts towels in the dryer so they're warn when I get out if the shower, never looks at another girl, runs to get me ice-cream with a smile at midnight and does ALL the laundry, vacuuming and dishes. This was my upgrade from my lazy, cheating, selfish husband I once thought was the catch of a lifetime. Oh hindsight!! LOL) So get up and get ready for your upgrade honey!! Onwards and upwards!! :-D
"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."
Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
So Keg... I like your list, but my problem with such lists is always that they assume the break up is due to "problems". I can't tell you how many people assume that i'm happy to be divorced. That it was a good thing that my husband left because obviously we had a troubled marriage. I can't come up with 10 things I hate about him because I never hated him. I can't remind myself that I was not in love with him because I WAS. That's what has made it so difficult to move on. I'm getting there, but it's really annoying for people to make assumptions that life was horrible therefore 1 week is all you need to grieve for the loss of something that meant the world to you. Geez, do you also tell people who become widows/widowers that they only get 1 week?
"Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."
"Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike
Tle, I'm with you. Didn't see the betrayal coming. Feel like I've been thrown from a moving car. Need more than a week to get my act together. Thought I could give myself a year before making any major decision but the homeowner gods are forcing me to do major ($$$$) repairs. I like the spirit of Keg's advice though. Just hard to see myself kissing anyone else...
If it makes you feel any better I was quite happy in my marriage when it fell apart. I had no idea he'd been cheating. I didn't even know I'd become unhappy. I was just as blindsighted and thought I'd lost my wonderful husband and my whole world. I still picked myself up and pushed through. I stayed, horrified, at my mother's house wondering how in the world this had happened. Found out all the goodies after the fact. It's not for everyone but it works wonders for me! I can't dwell in the past. I can't change things that are. I can't make someone love me. So I better get my bearings and start enjoying my life again and quick. Life, in my opinion, is far too short to be spent pining over something that wasn't meant to be. I changed my attitude about breaking up and it changed my life. As much as I love love LOVE my fiancé if he up and leaves me I will recover. I will not waste much time dwelling on it and I will move quickly to find my new happiness. I wasn't trying to say it's a good thing so don't be sad. But in my experience, even in my most blindsighted and devastating breakups, my behavior doesnt change. Change your behavior and your attitude must follow. It's human nature. So I force myself out to be happy even though it's the last thing I want to do and guess what...I end up happy for real!
"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."