[ElfDr]

Or is it just me and I am destined to be old and alone? I don't think I am particularly masculine however I am now in the 4th relationship in a row that is steadily going downhill and I recognize that I'm common denominator here. not only is my significant other not particularly interested in sex but I feel like physically I perhaps intimidate him unintentionally. I am very athletic and strong for my size and in the past have done boxing and mixed martial arts which probably doesn't help. I'm probably more naturally aggressive the most women but it has served me well except men are concerned. just curious if anyone else experience is a similar problem.

[Windsor1]

Maybe it's because he knows you're so accustomed to seeing MUCH larger penises?

I know, that was juvenile.

Have you talked with him openly about this? About the lack of intimacy and possible reasons?

[PaintedHunter]

Probably the failed relationships has more to do with the horse thing than a personality trait. In my experience, it takes a really special guy or gal to put up with horsey lifestyles and to be understanding of the time commitments and emotional components. I am lucky that my husband understands and even tries to learn. At a recent show, he asked when watching a round, "She was on the wrong lead, right?" I kissed him! (I'm not a pro though).

Don't think it's necessarily you. If you think it is, ask a close friend to be TOTALLY HONEST with you, and accept what he or she says.

[ridingagain]

It's an interesting question... I think horsewomen , in general, tend to be more independent and self-sufficient than most other women - Maybe that turns off some men, or as you say, "emasculates" them. I've been with guys who love that I can do my own thing and spend so much time on my own hobby - and guys who can't deal with it. It would be nice to find a SO who likes horses as much as I do, but those men seem to "bat for the other team" - not to open a whole new can of worms!

[paintlady]

It's an interesting question... I think horsewomen , in general, tend to be more independent and self-sufficient than most other women - Maybe that turns off some men, or as you say, "emasculates" them. I've been with guys who love that I can do my own thing and spend so much time on my own hobby - and guys who can't deal with it.

I'm a horsewoman who also earns more money than my husband. I'm very independent. Personally, my husband loves that about me. He tells people that I'm his "sugar mama" (even though he also works full-time and could support himself). My husband is NOT a horse person. In the 11 years that I've had my horse he has yet to even sit on her back. That is OK though. He enjoys having time to himself to watch sports on TV, read and play video games.

[PoohLP]

There are a lot of men who appreciate a strong, dominant woman. Learn to embrace that feature and they will flock to you because those types of women are hard to find. Likewise, run away if you meet a man who has a "I'm the man" complex and believe them when they say things like "it's a man's place, I think the man should make the decisions, etc. Even if he says it as such, it is not a joke.

[CVPeg]

In both of my truly serious relationships - when married, and recent SO, both placated me with saying they supported my riding, the horses, etc. HOWEVER, neither was of their word. The SO follows racing, and even tried lessons, but was one of those that thought "it looked easy" . As soon as he gave up on it, I was basically derided for continuing.

I've also always been one to speak up for myself, have been left to run things both logistically and when they've dropped the ball. And both tried to mold me eventually down the road. Even tried to be more submissive to compromise, but that didn't work either. Both are professionals who made good money, and have been terrible about investing it, or making common sense decisions on housing, major purchases, and friends

Could say I must be a poor judge of character, but will give myself a break and say was just unlucky they weren't what they seemed.

And frankly for me, I love the intimacy of a very close relationship, the kind where you're friends who do a lot together - which both started out as well, particularly the latter. But it does seem that often a woman's strength often looks appealing, but then is the very thing that some guys eventually go away from.

I know I've had it much tougher dating when very involved with horses, both seriously showing back in my 20's-30's, and now in my 50's. Tried online dating for awhile, and have included mentions of it at times, and I seem to get less of a response when it is mentioned. But, the reality is, that is my life, so kind of useless to pretend it isn't part of it. Back to concentrating on a new business now, so guess it will kind of be the same picture? Oh, well - you can't change what you are - but just try your best.

[LexInVA]

Speaking from personal experience, I only know a few horsewomen who have actually been able to make a relationship work and I think it really is difficult for a lot of them to even go beyond going out with someone a few times or just hanging out.

[Wayside]

I'm only emasculating when I'm carrying my Burdizzo. Or was that the other way around - I only carry my Burdizzo when I'm emasculating.

[SweetMutt]

A friend recently gave me the solution to this.

"You just need to hang out with buffer guys!"

Done. Why didn't I think of that sooner?

Unfortunately I find a lot of the men that are drawn to the "strong and independent" thing end up sort of being doormats. Which is not attractive, and unfortunately if someone lets me I WILL walk all over them. And then feel horridly guilty about it and eventually the relationship falls apart from there.

I also find that I get more pushy when I'm somehow feeling the need to assert myself, which is usually indicative of something else being wrong (feeling insecure or disrespected, letting my boundaries get pushed, etc.) I've also softened up in my old age (ok fine, I'm not actually old, but I've grown out of it some) and am more willing to talk about what's bothering me without being quite so defensive.

That said, I haven't lifted a weight in years and I still have more toned arms than half the men in my office. I accept this as just the way it's going to be.

[SweetMutt]

Speaking from personal experience, I only know a few horsewomen who have actually been able to make a relationship work and I think it really is difficult for a lot of them to even go beyond going out with someone a few times or just hanging out.

Really? Of all the horsewomen I've known in my life, they seem to have pretty much the same relationship success and experiences as my non-horsey friends. Maybe even better.

[LexInVA]

Well, the ones I speak of are much older and have been in relationships/marriages for a long time. The ones I know who are young adults seem to have a pretty low success rate in relationships and the recurring problem seems to be their personalities or the horse(s) or both. The only one I know around my age who has gotten married does not have (and frankly never has had what you could call a genuine relationship) a healthy relationship with her husband (she married for money) and her marriage and child are more for the sake of appearing successful to her peers than anything else.

[KateKat]

If you're just talking about professionals, I think what makes it hard for them to start relationships is because doing that takes time. Like, quite a bit of time. And not every person you meet is going to be understanding of a very demanding job with weird hours that takes you away a lot of weekends from basically February through November. And it also takes a certain type of personality to strike out and start their own business (especially if it ends up being successful), which I do believe is intimidating to some men.

Its kind of like chefs. I imagine that is another profession that has a hard time establishing a lasting relationship.

[fooler]

I am the youngest of 5 and often known as my Dad's 4th son instead fo my Mom's 2nd daughter. So you get the idea more tomboy and less beauty queen.

So after multiple relationships including a failed marriage - XH talked sweet at first but then tried to get me out of horses.

Best move I ever made was to stop looking. Make a list of what I was looking for in a man, not appearance but what kind of man do "I" really need? As well as do I really need a man in my life? Lots of soul searching and getting rid of the ideals many of us have in the back of our mind. You know gorgeous like a Brad Pitt or George Clooney, romantic like a Andy Garcia, maybe a good singer and/or dancer and on and on.
Just get real about the really important things. Think about the man who will be the last thing you see at night and the first the next morning. For me it is a man comfortable in his own skin, that is not threatened by a woman who can load and unload 300 lbs of feed. In fact he finds it kinda' sexy, I will leave it at that.

Don't know how I got so lucky, the right man appeared about 7-12 months later. It took me another 12 months to really trust that he might be ok. Now 16 years later we are doing well.
To be honest, it is not all sweetnes and light, we have fought and things are not always perfect. What counts, IMO, is that we are able to really hear each other and we care enough to make the adjustments to make things right for each other.

Good Luck!

[buck22]

Have to admit the title made me gasp, I have been frequently referred to as emasculating by previous SOs (and the current one), and its perplexing as I honestly don't see this in myself . While I'm not frilly froo froo, I'm not exactly masculine in my mannerisms either, and I certainly don't set out to be a ball buster.

I think the correlation is a take-charge personality - which is successful around large flight animals - but less so around men. I have to make a conscious effort to remember to allow the SO to take the masculine role in opening doors, having us seated at a table, etc. I have a terrible habit of taking complete control of simple situations without even realizing it... like ordering for us both at our favorite restaurant when I know what he's going to order. To me, its just streamlining the process of getting a tasty meal to my mouth but to him, its incredibly emasculating.

I apparently do small but significant things like this throughout my day that I don't even realize I'm doing and it slowly chips away at the men I've dated.

I'm in a relationship now with a man who's *so* manly he's not threatened and can pipe up and tell me to stuff it when I'm too much but alas, this uber-manliness comes with its own set of *ick* and sometimes I wonder if I'm just letting the days tick by. This requires it own thread, perhaps I need an alter.

I think the other thing too, is there is a strong independence that comes with having your own personal hobby that is as consuming as horses. When I don't feel like dealing with the SOs crap, I can tell him to stuff it, I'm going to the barn. What butters his biscuit is he knows I'm having *fun* . I'm not sulking, eating cookie dough, whining to my friends or family. I'm off having an awesome time.

Finally, I think the loyalty to our horses might be the most emasculating aspect of all. I have zero hesitation reminding my SO that my heart horse of 17 years has outlasted every man that came before you, and he'll outlast you too. Though I'm being dramatic for the fun of it, its actually true and I think when that really resonates with a man, its slightly devastating to some of them. They rate lower than an animal. For horsey people, thats a given, our animals come first, thats horsemanship. But for a non horsey person, thats a tough idea to chew.

Never had difficulty in the bedroom dept though, so perhaps you might want to discuss that with him. Or, and I don't mean anything personal as I don't know you personally, but perhaps examine how you present yourself routinely. I do tend to be a bit of a hag, especially in the winter. Its an easy place to hide. Its bittersweet, but I appreciate when the SO reminds me of this from time to time. Its a good thing to pretty up once in a while, goes a long way for both parties.

[Appsolute]

Hum, you just need to find the right guy…. When I met mine (11 years ago), he said he was attracted to the fact that I was outdoorsy, tough, and that he liked the small scar on my chin (from a horse wreck of course).

He is a mountain biker / motocross rider (was pro on the Mt. bikes at the time), and liked that I had my sport as well, which had a lot of similarities.

Maybe you need to find a guy just as tough and as athletic as you are? For us, we can be “best friends” and enjoy the same things. His friends always bemoan about their girlfriends who like “shopping” and have extremely feminine interest (which disinterest the guys). While I am able to “hang with the guys” and enjoy the same things, despite being the opposite sex – I get the “hey Appsolute, tell my girl friend to chill out and be cool like you”.

[Appsolute]

Speaking from personal experience, I only know a few horsewomen who have actually been able to make a relationship work and I think it really is difficult for a lot of them to even go beyond going out with someone a few times or just hanging out.

Interesting - all of my trainers have been professionals - and married woman.

[Pocket Pony]

I don't think that a man feeling emasculated is because of a woman being more "masculine" in body type, dress, profession. My opinion on men feeling emasculated has to do with how they are treated by their partner. My ex-husband may have felt that way because I treated him like a child . . . because he acted like a child!

I do think it is likely that horse women are stronger-willed and more independent because of our hobby and how we interact with horses, but I don't agree that it is because of the horses themselves that we may have relationship problems.

Good for you, OP, in realizing the common denominator is you. Take some time to really look at yourself and how you treat your partner. Do you criticize him (even in a joking manner)? Does how you treat him make him feel like his contributions aren't important? Do you tend to be bossy? Do you expect to get your way? Do you think you are always right? Do you "win" all arguments or debates? Do you give off an "I don't really need you" vibe?

Relationships are (obviously) a two-way street. Where we may be able to demand things of our horses (not in a brutal way, but just expecting them to do what we ask), we need to negotiate and compromise with our human partners. While we may joke amongst ourselves about our toughness wrt our horsey lifestyles, I can't imagine that many men would want to have sex with a ball-buster or a woman who doesn't make them feel like a man.

[Judysmom]

I think the correlation is a take-charge personality - which is successful around large flight animals - but less so around men. I have to make a conscious effort to remember to allow the SO to take the masculine role in opening doors, having us seated at a table, etc. I have a terrible habit of taking complete control of simple situations without even realizing it... like ordering for us both at our favorite restaurant when I know what he's going to order. To me, its just streamlining the process of getting a tasty meal to my mouth but to him, its incredibly emasculating.

I apparently do small but significant things like this throughout my day that I don't even realize I'm doing and it slowly chips away at the men I've dated.

OMG this is so true! I totally do this! Completely unaware of its potential emasculating effect. Was aware that I can be bossy and have to back off a lot.

I have a real double whammy with this though, on top of being a horse woman, I am also an attorney, and I have to be a bossy, self-assured go-getter at work too.

And I have big biceps. Like Linda Hamilton in the Terminator. Sigh.

This is interesting because I have taken a dating hiatus over the last few years. I continually keep (or kept) making the same bad partner choices, and had to take a break. I had to look at why I keep dating drunk jerks

I think my heads in a good enough space to maybe start dating again, and I would like to date nicer, more stable guys, and I certainly don't want to subconsciously scare them off!!!

[Windsor1]

Finally, I think the loyalty to our horses might be the most emasculating aspect of all. I have zero hesitation reminding my SO that my heart horse of 17 years has outlasted every man that came before you, and he'll outlast you too. Though I'm being dramatic for the fun of it, its actually true and I think when that really resonates with a man, its slightly devastating to some of them. They rate lower than an animal.

If a guy treated ME like this, I would be G-O-N-E.

It's not about his actual feelings with regard to me versus his dog, for example. I know what it is to be pretty much in love with a pet. But if he felt the need to throw that in my face? Buh-bye.

Suppose a woman here posted that her boyfriend had no hesitation reminding her that she came in second to his dog? I suspect most of us would advise her to kick his a$$ to the curb tout suite.