OMGoodness, this is a timely thread! my husband is fighting a rare form of lymphoma (for the second time, boo) and we're working on his medical POA, it really got us talking about what kind of decisions he would want me to make on his behalf, and it was eye opening to me what he thought would be a "plug pulling" burden versus what I felt would be considered burdening.
my advice is to do it early, when you don't also have the stress of fighting a heavy medical burden at the same time!
First I'm sorry you are having to go through this and feel for your whole family. I do applaud you both for having the difficult conversations. I am in the middle of something similar, except it is my ex-husband wit the second bout of a rare cancer, and it is complicated. My kids are a wreck.
To the general public: As someone who works in the health care industry I cannot stress enough that you MUST talk with all family members, not just your health care proxy, about your health care wishes.
When family members start to object in person at the hospital because they did not really understand the wishes the patient had expressed to their health care proxy it becomes a big mess. Sadly often the patient's wishes do not end up being followed because they are to ill at that point to truly advocate for themselves.
It is hard to really discuss the nitty gritty of what you want. The more people you tell (family members, health care providers, attorneys), along with the legal documents, the greater likelihood your wishes will come to fruition.
BTDT, sorry to hear your story. I assume your main worry is that your mother would have enough money to support herself as she ages, and for medical costs. I would possibly approach a conversation with her from that angle.
If your mother is mentally competent, then there is not really anything you can do except talk to her and offer to be there for her if you want. She has to make her own decisions (and one of those is to stay with her husband). You can encourage her to do a private consultation with a lawyer, counselor, financial advisor - you can facilitate that by setting it up and paying for it if you want.
Well, actually we will support her no matter what. The main concern is more what the pyscho half sister might do if cut off, and more recently having a big pit bull with a history of attacking in the same house with her, loose.
She won't talk about anything. Their financial planner was a grandson, who helped with the reverse mortgage, and then bowed out when they refused to try to deal with the money drain. She insists nothing is wrong.
Very timely thread....time to review all our documents. What hasn't been metioned yet is making sure that if you have children, you have a plan for them. We have listed in our wills who will care for our children if something were to happen to both of us..
The main concern is more what the pyscho half sister might do if cut off, and more recently having a big pit bull with a history of attacking in the same house with her, loose.
This is a tough situation; as I said, those who are still mentally competent are presumed to be able to make their own decisions about health, living situation, and finances. Your jurisdiction may have some services for adults (read: seniors or those who cannot look after themselves). Sometimes these are set up for reporting abuse, elder abuse, and the like. You can try looking up "public guardian" in your area for more information. You might also consider speaking to a lawyer to find out other resources available to you and your mother.
As for the dog - if it is dangerous, what about a report to animal control? (In my experience, this is not an anonymous thing.) This might also bring the matter within the province of the public guardian.
You never know what kind of obsessive compulsive crazy person you are until another person imitates your behaviour at a three-day. --Gry2Yng
Thanks for the feedback. It's kind of what I've been getting. I've called elder abuse, and they basically say unless they're really mentally incompetent, there's not a lot to do without a lawyer and a lot of money.
I called the city police about the dog, and they have no specific laws about pitbulls, and unless they report it, they can't do much. The police could go there and talk to them about having a loose pit bull running in and out of the house and a 3 foot fence in the front yard, with kids next door, a school a half a block away, and people walking by all of the time with animals and kids, but that would probably set my mfer step-father in a rage and give my mom a heart attack.
Blugal--- what does one do when a mother has a will that sets up a trust for one of her heirs, trust is supposed to pay a percentage on an annual basis until person is 65, at which time the lump sum is to be paid. But one of the executors steals the $$$, blames it on the other executor, both get removed and a lawyer is now named to handle the trust, but isn't just paying out the percentage and now bulk of the inheritance is gone, long before the person is going to turn 65???