[Blugal]

If you don't want people fighting over who is going to (or not going to) look after you if you start to suffer from Alzheimers, or have cancer and are too medicated to make decisions, please, go to your friendly local lawyer () and discuss:

- having a health representation agreement (designating who makes health decisions on your behalf, including where/with whom you'll be living)

-having a power of attorney (designating someone to look after your finances, and tailoring it to allow/restrict certain decisions)

- having your will done (who will be inheriting your estate, discuss who can protest it)

- whether buying life insurance is a good idea for your situation

- designating your beneficiaries on your insurance, pensions, and other instruments (such as RRSPs in Canada)

Seriously, it will be worth the money and time. I am a lawyer and it's amazing (and sad) how many families are spending thousands of dollars dealing with another family member who is taking advantage of someone who is infirm - they are tranferring their property, removing money from bank accounts, dropping them off at a long-term care facility (or removing them without anyone's knowledge).

It's a shame, it's not in the best interests of the infirm person, and it's so emotionally and financially draining for everyone.

Discussing your wishes with your spouse, child, or parent (while a good idea) is not the same as having legally binding documents which will not only uphold those wishes, but also make things a lot easier on everyone involved.

[mercedespony]

I would add - please discuss your wishes re: organ donation and ensure your medical poa is aware of your wishes. Organ donation is a good thing!

[mvp]

I'm with you.

Now all I need is to find the person with the cajones to do the kind of medical POA i want. If I can get clear on when I'd euthanize a horse, I can get clear on when I'd euthanize myself. But how to find the person who will walk my walk on my behalf? That's a toughie.

[Freebird!]

I would say to also carry life insurance. My husband's policy has been a God send, am I am SO thankful he worked at a job that paid out SS, so that I am able to stay home with our kids.

[Louise]

I would add to not only get them done, but keep them updated. And, that includes the beneficiaries on insurance policies and certain kinds of savings. It wouldn't be a bad idea to go over these things every couple of years, to make sure that things are still the way you want them.

[MoonoverMississippi]

I would add to not only get them done, but keep them updated. And, that includes the beneficiaries on insurance policies and certain kinds of savings. It wouldn't be a bad idea to go over these things every couple of years, to make sure that things are still the way you want them.

YES!
Things do change, and a quick check isn't at all time consuming! And don't forget things like emergency contact information at your job/doctor's office/ etc.

Also, keep (and update) a list of where things are located: what accounts you have, retirement savings, where your will/POA is located, who you would like contacted and their information (excellent for distant relativesm et.) and so on. And let more than one person have a copy/know where it is located.

[oldernewbie]

I have a husband that travels a lot and who also has some significant health issues. Having all this stuff done gives me a great deal of peace of mind. I highly recommend working with a financial planner and an attorney that specializes in estate matters. Well worth the effort and expense!

[ChocoMare]

And make sure copies are easily available, yet secure. Safe Deposit Box at the bank or fire-proof safe at home (bolted to main supports in the floor & wall) - then make sure one other is aware of the combination or key locale.

[Blugal]

With respect to safe-keeping of documents, there are a few options available:

1. Keep them in a safety deposit box at your financial institution. You will need to make sure the person named in the documents knows this (e.g. your executor, the person named in the power of attorney).

2. Keep them in a safe or other place at home. There is a risk that they will be misplaced, burned, or taken (by that evil family member). On the other hand, they are more easily accessible to your spouse/children, if that is what you want.

3. Keep them at your lawyer's office. Many offices provide this service as part of the fee of having the documents drawn up. Make sure you discuss with your lawyer who is allowed to take the documents (e.g. you must give actual permission to the office to release a POA to the person named as attorney).

4. Ask your lawyer whether any of these instruments are/can be/should be registered, and where. In my jurisdiction, you can register your will and POA. The actual document is not registered, just the fact that there is one, the date, and where it is located. This can be very helpful to family trying to locate or confirm that a will or POA exists.

5. Your medical directives of course should also be on file with your doctor/hospital, as well as having an original copy with the person named to make those decisions for you.

Lastly, consider making a list of all relevant accounts, assets, etc. (This is also useful if you suffer from a theft, fire, or flood.)

1. real property
2. personal property (including pets/livestock!)
3. financial institutions
4. online accounts (e.g. additional bank accounts, investments)
5. pensions
6. life insurance
7. other insurance
8. long-term debts owing to you or that you owe to others
9. Names and contact info of your lawyer, accountant, any other important people (e.g. someone who could manage your business if you are ill)

I may have missed some points, but this is a good start!

[solara]

I'm with you.

Now all I need is to find the person with the cajones to do the kind of medical POA i want. If I can get clear on when I'd euthanize a horse, I can get clear on when I'd euthanize myself. But how to find the person who will walk my walk on my behalf? That's a toughie.

You might be able to get an attorney to be your medical decision-maker in certain circumstances, if you don't think you have relatives or friends that are willing to do so. Having a clear medical power of attorney that lists what you want done in as many eventualities as possible will also help - at the very least, you're telling whoever has your power of attorney what to do in the most likely circumstances.

[fooler]

Thanks for posting.

Many deaths in mine and BF's family over the past 4 years. Dealing with estates, accounts and other such without clear information is exhausting. You never know about people until money or valuables are involved.

[Bluey]

I would add to not only get them done, but keep them updated. And, that includes the beneficiaries on insurance policies and certain kinds of savings. It wouldn't be a bad idea to go over these things every couple of years, to make sure that things are still the way you want them.

I have my stuff in order, always have had it in order.
My attorney is a good friend and he also, every so often, calls me to go over everything and sign again and every time there is an important change in the laws or paperwork.

We can't provide for the unexpected itself, but we can provide so when the unexpected happens, there is a roadmap to follow and trusted, designated people to follow it.

[mvp]

You might be able to get an attorney to be your medical decision-maker in certain circumstances, if you don't think you have relatives or friends that are willing to do so. Having a clear medical power of attorney that lists what you want done in as many eventualities as possible will also help - at the very least, you're telling whoever has your power of attorney what to do in the most likely circumstances.

Thank you very much for this idea. I hadn't thought of it.

I have a "don't vote with your thumbs" policy, but I broke it for this helpful post.

[gieriscm]

Do NOT put your Will in a safe deposit box. After you die only your executor can be given access to your safe deposit box - but the executor can't be named until the Will is presented to the court and an estate is opened.

[Blugal]

Do NOT put your Will in a safe deposit box. After you die only your executor can be given access to your safe deposit box - but the executor can't be named until the Will is presented to the court and an estate is opened.

I have dealt with this before, and I agree it is a PIA. If you are going to put it into the safe deposit box, you should discuss with your lawyer and the bank how it will be accessed and available to your executor. I advise to also give a copy of your will to your executor.

[SmartAlex]

Our papers are in order and accessible.

My grandfather passed away a few years ago in another state. He had been in assisted living for a couple of years, then spent some time in the hospital at the end. He was 91.

My family in that area looked after him very well, but...My uncle (his son in law) was a Vice President at a Bank. My cousin (his only other grandchild) is a lawyer.

Neither one of them knew if he had a will or where it was.



Come on people!

[Foxtrot's]

If you are a widow/widower (or otherwise single) and have a safety deposit box with all your stuff in it, have a trusted relative also on the box - or it gets slammed shut upon your death. We just put our daughter on ours for the time when there is only one of us left, so she does not have a lot of extra hassle just when she does not need it.

[gabby.gator]

OMGoodness, this is a timely thread! my husband is fighting a rare form of lymphoma (for the second time, boo) and we're working on his medical POA, it really got us talking about what kind of decisions he would want me to make on his behalf, and it was eye opening to me what he thought would be a "plug pulling" burden versus what I felt would be considered burdening.

it's really really hard to have these talks now, when we're really facing it, KWIM?

we sorta talked about it the first time he had cancer, now I'm wishing we didn't shy away from it then, as it's much more difficult now. This time we HAVE to, and we have to get our paperwork in order, talk to the kids, etc. All so much more emotional to do when you're already in the emotional state of wondering if he'll make it thru this time.

sucks. my advice is to do it early, when you don't also have the stress of fighting a heavy medical burden at the same time!

[Beentheredonethat]

So, what to do if it's a mess already, Blugal? My siblings and some of the step siblings are trying to figure this out right now.

Step father (mfer) is 90 and probably dying. Mom is 73 and has been mentally and emotionally abused by him for 40 years. Half sister has learned from her father, and at 30, has never gone to school or had a job, and is living like the rich person she is not, and has bled them dry, my mom pretending it's not happening all along. YEARS of trying to find out what happened, and finally having to sneak into her bills, while they bring in about 10k a month, they have been spending about $7 k a month on her for 15 years. They should be quite well off. Their house's roof was falling off, paint peeling, filthy, and they had no money to fix it even though the house was paid off 30 years ago. The rental house (my father's house) needed to be fixed up, but they had no money to fix it--used to be paid off. I find out they maxed out variable rate interest only loans on both houses and still had no money.

I basically forced them into doing something, and they took out a reverse mortgage on their house to pay for roof repair and painting and pay off the loan with a little left over. (Did not pay the loan on the rental.) That money will soon run out and who knows what "seriously mentally ill" half sister will do.

Oh yeah, mfer step-father has an 80 lb pitbull he HAS to keep that has attacked the other dog and now killed the cat in front of them while my mother tried to grab him. She wants the dog out. Step-father refuses. She tells everyone. We (not me, siblings who don't hate him as much) step in and try to make it safe, and asshole says it's his his and his dog and he can do what he wants, damned my mom. Then apparently he started going after her and tells her he will get a restraining order if anyone sends in someone to do something about the dog, and she now tells everyone it's all fine.

Oh yeah. It gets worse. What the HELL can you do? They may or may not be mentally incompetent, but we don't have the money to do that, and that would probably kill them both. We could let them rot away, or see what story it will end up being on the news. Step-father will die soon, and that's a whole other issue of half sister completely manipulating my mom--she calls her 30-40 times a day, hides from the rest of the family, my mom drives a big piece of crap car on the freeway to see her every day, and she is not a good driver . . .

Nobody else in the family wants anything but to keep it from being a disaster, but they have fought tooth and nail every which way and lie to everyone.

Is there ANYthing we can do? I am SO stressed with worry and what might happen, and do NOT want to go over there and deal with it, and am SO feeling guilty for not doing it, and being yelled at for being the ONLY one to step in and do the really dirty work.

[Blugal]

BTDT, sorry to hear your story. I assume your main worry is that your mother would have enough money to support herself as she ages, and for medical costs. I would possibly approach a conversation with her from that angle.

If your mother is mentally competent, then there is not really anything you can do except talk to her and offer to be there for her if you want. She has to make her own decisions (and one of those is to stay with her husband). You can encourage her to do a private consultation with a lawyer, counselor, financial advisor - you can facilitate that by setting it up and paying for it if you want.