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  1. #21
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    I had a friend who I knew constantly told little white lies. I chose to ignore them for years and remained very good friends with her because the lies always seemed harmless and never really affected me.
    When my horse died suddenly, we were both there when he had to be put down after almost bleeding to death in front of us, I was obviously traumatized and asked if she would be there the next day when he was buried. THAT, I just couldn't face.

    She called me the following morning to tell me he'd been buried, went into great detail telling me how they handled him with respect etc. I find out two weeks later that she was a no show that day, the barn owners called her for almost two hours trying to track her down as they knew she'd promised to be there when he was buried. She just ignored their calls and gave them a bs excuse next time she saw them as to why she didn't show.

    Our friendship never recovered from that. When I called her out on it she made up some excuse and tried to cover her ass. See, in the end I did get hurt from her lies and swore I'd never have a friend like that again.
    \"Throw your heart over the fence and your horse will follow\"


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  2. #22
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    She lied about being there because she felt pressured by you to do something you should have done yourself. What good could it possibly have done for her to be there? And why would you expect it?


    5 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    I'm just the type of person who doesn't tolerate liars well. If someone's willing to lie about little trivial things, then they're willing to lie about big things. In strangers or even acquaintances want to lie... whatever.

    But I'd never consider someone who'd lie to my face a friend. I equate true friendship with trust and honesty.

    And before someone asks... nope, I don't have a lot of true friends. But I've got enough

    Really, it's whatever you're comfortable with.


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  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyGreen View Post
    She lied about being there because she felt pressured by you to do something you should have done yourself. What good could it possibly have done for her to be there? And why would you expect it?
    I'd held more then one of her horses as they were being put down, over the years, because she didn't want to be there during that final moment, so I stepped in for her.

    There was no "pressure" on my part for her to be there she offered to be there and I said yes, she knew me well enough that if she really felt she couldn't face the burial the following morning, she could have called me and I would have mustered up the strength to be there. She also knew me well enough to know if she asked the same thing of me and it was the middle of the night and the middle of the winter, I would have been there for her horse. It's a shame really, because of her silly lies, she lost a really great friend - me!
    \"Throw your heart over the fence and your horse will follow\"


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyGreen View Post
    I don't know why everybody gets so excited about being lied to. Everybody lies in one way or another--if we didn't, we'd be constantly at each other's throat. You lie for various reasons: to save somebody's feelings, to save your own, to get out of something, to not get in trouble, just because it's easier than telling the truth. If you expect to be lied to, you won't let it bother you so much.
    I have not found this to be routinely necessary.
    It is always possible to say SOMETHING nice, ("What a lovely MATERIAL that sweater is made out of!)" and otherwise it is generally possible to simply not point out the hurtful truth.

    Certainly if someone is claiming to be actively doing me a particular favor when they are not, as described by OP, that would be unacceptable in my book.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pocket Pony View Post

    [snip]
    I will say that I lie. Everyone lies. I lie when I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. For example, my friend asked if I could swing by and pick up her horse so we could trail ride together. I said no because I didn't trust my horse (gelding who can get studdy around mares) to be in the trailer with her horse (a mare). That was mostly true, but honestly I just didn't want to go get her because it was inconvenient for me and she's a cheapskate who has no problem letting others pay for stuff for her (gas money for a trailer ride) and I just didn't want to get into it.

    If you look at it from her perspective, can you think of a reason why she lied about the situation?
    I wouldn't say that you lied in that instance. What you said was mostly true as you indicated yourself. You could just as easily have made an appointment to do something else at that time and told her you were "busy". That wouldn't have been a lie either.

    To the OP: If this friendship is important to you then definitely say something. I would recommend something like this: "Hey so-and-so, I've always regarded you as a really good friend that I can trust. So naturally I felt crushed when I found out that what you said you were working on for me right then and there didn't take place. What happened?"

    Give your friend a chance to respond and make it right. That will tell you something about her. If she owns up and apologizes, great. If she doesn't then maybe you'll need to reconsider what kind of friend she is.


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  7. #27
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    what you posted, is exactly what a very good friend did to me.

    However, I don't like being lied to, even though I like the person. Therefore, end of our friendship, period.
    I may be friendly to her, but do not ever want her on my property or really near me in anyway.
    save lives...spay/neuter/geld



  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyGreen View Post
    I don't know why everybody gets so excited about being lied to. Everybody lies in one way or another--if we didn't, we'd be constantly at each other's throat. You lie for various reasons: to save somebody's feelings, to save your own, to get out of something, to not get in trouble, just because it's easier than telling the truth. If you expect to be lied to, you won't let it bother you so much.
    Lord I do NOT like this philosophy! You've just thrown trust right out the window and reafirmed for a whole host of people that "nobody else can do *fill in the blank*'

    Maybe I'm old and it shows, I can't respect someone I cannot trust. Integrity used to be a virtue.

    ETA, at the moment I'm discovering that someone I have to deal with is a liar, agreeing to perform a task and then failing to perform it, causing more work for me. Maybe it's a misunderstanding about the extent of the task, but . . .

    I'm going to speak frankly to them because this is a family matter and this person would be far better off growing a spine and saying "I can't, or I won't, or I don't feel comfortable doing that" rather than agreeing but never doing the task - and I'm going to be frank primarily because this person is unhappy in her job, getting passed over for promotions, and the biggest reason I see is this half hearted effort she gives which I am sure shows up in her workplace. I don't know if it's passive agressive to the max or what but she'd be better off without the nicey nice BS.
    Last edited by ReSomething; Nov. 1, 2012 at 09:03 PM. Reason: getting to the point of the OP
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
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    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
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    @Resomething: I see a lot of that kind of behavior as well. Situations where people think it is better to lie and say they will do something than to tell the person no and hurt their feelings.



  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnicklefritzG View Post
    @Resomething: I see a lot of that kind of behavior as well. Situations where people think it is better to lie and say they will do something than to tell the person no and hurt their feelings.
    But doesn't it hurt feelings MORE to be let down? Not to mention get someone in trouble!
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


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  11. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReSomething View Post
    But doesn't it hurt feelings MORE to be let down? Not to mention get someone in trouble!
    If I need help and a person says they are busy and won't be able to, sure I will feel bad. However, I would feel WORSE if someone lied to me because the lie indicates that trust has been broken.


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  12. #32
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    I let that type of stuff go because life is short. So she lied, big deal, maybe she had a bad day, maybe she was preoccupied with something else. Hard to say but whatever the reason, if it becomes a habit, then say something but if it was a one time thing oh well, such is life. I'm sure if she really is your friend she's forgiven you for something you might have done in the past that she thought was hinky. People are human, we make mistakes, but in the end it's how we stand by one another that counts.


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  13. #33
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    I finally walked away from someone like that earlier this spring. Not for a single incident, mind you, it was about 3 years worth of lies and exaggerations. I finally had just had enough and realized it was time to let go. Been much happier with far less drama ever since. If I could do it over, I would have said something the FIRST time I was involved in one of her "tales" and maybe things might have ended differently (or not at all!).



  14. #34
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    I don't care for being lied to either. And it is so easy to catch people with their penchants for posting their life details on social media.

    For example: Don't make a date with me to go on a trail ride, then not show up or call. Then don't make it worse when I call to find out if everything's ok and you give me some line about how your husband says you have to stay home and do housework, then post on FB an hour later that you're out and about on the town with a different friend.


    Needless to say, I don't have anything to do with such people.


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  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnicklefritzG View Post
    If I need help and a person says they are busy and won't be able to, sure I will feel bad. However, I would feel WORSE if someone lied to me because the lie indicates that trust has been broken.
    There are plenty of people, though, who would lie because the person asking will, if they say no, whine/flip out/guilt trip/nag/general be a giant drama queen.



  16. #36
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    The favor itself is irrelevant. I asked one time and was told it was being done as we spoke. It wasn't. I never asked again, never even mentioned it - why would I since I thought it was done? There would have been no whining if they'd said no. It was something I forgot to do, so ultimately any consequences would've been my fault & I'm fine with that. I just do.not.get lying about it.
    Not all who wander are lost.

    Ralando II



  17. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kinsella View Post
    The favor itself is irrelevant. I asked one time and was told it was being done as we spoke. It wasn't. I never asked again, never even mentioned it - why would I since I thought it was done? There would have been no whining if they'd said no. It was something I forgot to do, so ultimately any consequences would've been my fault & I'm fine with that. I just do.not.get lying about it.
    Did she end up doing the favor? I don't generally see a need to lie about stuff like that, but there have been times where I totally forgot to do something for someone and then panicked when they asked about it. My mother asked me to do these thank-you cards for her weeks ago and I have been stalling on them for various reasons, but told her I was working on them when she called, and then that forced me to actually start... so technically I lied to her, but I am getting them done now. So if your friend felt guilty about procrastinating on the task, lied about doing it, and then did it... I can understand that and wouldn't ruin a friendship over it.



  18. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by nasalberry View Post
    I have a friend (known for over a dozen years) who is a compulsive liar. I believe it is due to brain surgery for blood clots. I also believe that she believes what she says. All mutual friends agree with me.
    I take everything she tells me with a grain of salt; I feel she can't help it.
    You know nasalberry you have said this of ME several times and this must stop it is all in you head. I will not go into you dillusions have never gone into your dillsions on line so I do wish you would stop spreading what you THINK you know of me. AND BTW my surgery was not for blood clots it was for an AVM a far cry from blood clots.
    And BTW I have FACT(as in education, experance, paperwork etc) to back up what I say do you? OR did you just read,hear it somewhere?



  19. #39
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    I think it would depend on just how significant you feel the lie was. Was it a just a little fib or really significant to you.

    For myself, I could probably live with knowing it was a little fib but if it were something I considered signficant, then I'd consider the 'friendship' over because I'd have no idea how many times before the friend lied to me.

    I've broken off friendships for various reasons. A friend's daughter could no longer event a horse they had been bringing back from an injury for over a yr. The tendon was pronounced 'healed' by the vets but trainer basically told them she couldn't even compete in dressage let alone eventing. So they decided it was OK to donate said horse to a college riding program for $20,000. Now darling daughter didn't need a $20K tax write-off as she was in college, but Mom had her own consulting business and I'm sure a 20K deduction would be nice. I was flabergasted to say the least and said that's totally unethical not only for the college's sake but for the horse's sake even more so. Guess what, the college sent the horse back!

    Another example was a former friend of 30+ yrs got very pissy in an email after she left here to go south. I stopped contact. She came back 2 yrs later because they couldn't take the heat and the people in western NC (at least those was the excuses). We made contact but she got another very pissy attitude again within the first yr back. I suggested we go have coffee or lunch and discuss the issue. She didn't want to discuss anything so I figured if she wasn't going to act like a grown up, I was dropping her for good.

    I look at it this way, I will usually give you a 2nd chance but if you blow it, I no longer consider you a friend. I don't play baseball, meaning you don't get 3 strikes-just 2.
    Sue
    Back in my day, we didn't have as many warning labels because people weren't so dang stupid!



  20. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    It is really hard to say without knowing what she did. I try to assume the best -- which in this case is probably that she had good intentions, probably even started the thing while talking to you, something intervened and she forgot. That's life. I would say something, though -- give her a chance to explain so you aren't holding a grudge for no reason.

    I also would avoid "you lied to me" -- "you told me you would but you didn't, what happened?" is so much less drama queen.
    Yes. Assuming that whatever jumped the tracks happened purposefully and was misrepresented deliberately is tempting, but it is unfair to make that assumption. Inquiring in a way that is more curious than accusatory will be helpful for you both.
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein



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