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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
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    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    7,038

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pocket Pony View Post
    it is sometimes better for me to retreat and think about things than fly off the handle when I know I am at risk of saying something hurtful or very counter-productive. Since I truly believe you can't take anything back that you say, I would rather stew on it and mull it over for a few days before saying what I have to say.

    I understand how people call it passive-aggressive, but there is another side to the silent-treatment story.
    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    It can be frustrating to not be able to resolve a conflict RIGHT NOW, but I appreciate his need to think things over and his desire to not say something that will hurt me in the heat of the moment.

    If he stomped off and refused to speak to me about ANYTHING, that would be a dealbreaker for me.
    ^^Yup^^ my thoughts exactly.

    Sometimes it IS passive aggressive and controlling. Sometimes it's a darn good idea.
    Last edited by SmartAlex; Oct. 30, 2012 at 03:50 PM. Reason: didn't see the tiiiiiny mulit quote icon
    The more perfect our happiness,
    the more nagging and wretched
    do our unsolved problems seem.
    ~ Gordon Grand


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Dec. 21, 2008
    Location
    Missouri
    Posts
    2,190

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    The first year I was married my husband and I had a disagreement about some little thing. I was newly pregnant and somewhat touchy. I thought I would just give him the cold shoulder, not talk to him and teach him a lesson. After 2 days he hadn't even noticed! I was humbled! If you really like this guy call him first and get the talking going. Pride doesn't work in a relationship unless it is just you all alone.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jul. 10, 2012
    Location
    Columbus, OH
    Posts
    279

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    For the sake of your sanity, I'm glad he resurfaced to let you know what's going on.

    Six months is long enough to know you care, but not long enough to really KNOW someone.

    Everyone deals with hurt and confrontation and emotions differently. This could be a big growing experience for you, or it could be a dealbreaker. The important thing to remember is that, even when someone is being silent, they're still having emotions. Except for one of my exes. He would just bury stuff, and refuse to acknowledge it happened. There wasn't even the eventual cathartic blow up. After we broke up, he actually made himself believe we had never dated. Oh, I have dated some winners, lemme tell ya... .

    The thing is, the first year of a relationship, you are going to find all sorts of new and glorious ways to p!ss each other off. My partner managed to reduce me to tears a zillion times in little bitty ways that he didn't think would be significant at all, just because he didn't know me and my buttons. If it's a match made in heaven, you'll figure each other out and learn the ins and outs and dos and don'ts. If it's not meant to be, you'll figure out how to part ways.

    Good luck. HUGS!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2010
    Posts
    1,435

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    I have a temper and when people violate boundaries in a serious way or do things I find reprehensible I need time to sort through what is going on. I find control freaks HATE IT. Tough. I have no desire to apologize to a donkey. It gives me time to regroup and define exactly what it is that went wrong, my part in it and what does not belong to me. Most often people that do not accept that about me are passive aggressive and WANT the opportunity to make excuses or get uglier.

    Now that I think of it, I'd sooner apologize to a donkey.
    “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
    ? Albert Einstein



  5. #25
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2005
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    2,236

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    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    To each his own I guess...

    My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years and have a healthy, stable marriage. When he gets really pissed off, he will do the "silent treatment" thing, but he is still civil and will speak when spoken to. And about all I will say to him anyway is "do I expect you for dinner?" or "did you feed the cats?"

    After three or four days, he will ask to talk to me and we will work out our little conflict. Quite frankly, after all these years, I have come to appreciate the silent treatment. Trying to end it while his thoughts are only half baked does not work out smoothly. At.All. Waiting until he has calmed down and realised he's been an ass suits me juuuuust fine.
    That isn't quite the silent treatment, just deep frost in the air. He wasn't acting as if you had ceased to exist or that you were beneath his level of notice.
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Jan. 23, 2000
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    8,000

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    There is a difference between saying that you need some alone or quiet time and taking it vs. angrily descending into the silent treatment. One is being a reasonable adult and the other is acting like an immature child.
    ---
    They're small hearts.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2005
    Location
    NC
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    2,236

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trixie View Post
    There is a difference between saying that you need some alone or quiet time and taking it vs. angrily descending into the silent treatment. One is being a reasonable adult and the other is acting like an immature child.
    Several people have made this point and I'm glad they did. Taking some time to think and then to check-in later, when you've made it clear that's what you need to do and even better if you agree to check-in on that topic at a pre-agreed time (which yu can extend) , is a very different thing than going for days as if the other person doesn't exist. It is respectful.

    Glad you're making some headway in dealing with the situation instead of being frozen out.
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein



  8. #28
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2005
    Location
    NC
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    2,236

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    So what happened? What did you in the longer term decide to do? (My notifications said there was a fresh post here but nothing seems to have shown up.)
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein



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