[BuddyRoo]

I know it's bad of me but I think I really might actually hate my husband's ex wife because I think she is a money sucking piece of shit.

It's not really because of anything she's done to me, although she has pulled some crap--but I've handled it. (she assaulted me,but I'm over it. It's mostly about money)

It's more because she expects us to pay for everything but then also has issues with what we decide to buy.

I gave the kids money last year for new clothes. Told them we'd first stop at a consignment store but if they couldn't find what they wanted we'd go to the mall. At the time, neither Mom nor Dad had jobs so I was really tight on money. They found lots of great clothes. But Mom flipped out because they were second hand. Said I was trying to short the kids.

Now I'm offering SD 13 a phone. We have historically had one kid on each account--one with Mom and one with Dad. But SD13 lost her phone back in July and hasn't had one since which has been a bit problematic because Mom doesn't have a home phone and Mom hasn't replaced it. So if older sis isn't home, we can't talk to SD13. I have a phone on our plan she can use but it's not an iphone so they aren't happy about it. I paid 300 bucks for this phone. It's not fancy, but it's a working PHONE so I don't see the problem.

I have been paying for EVERYTHING for 2 years. Almost 3.

I am so freaking over it. The kids aren't bad or ungrateful. It's Mom!

She is so hung up on fancy and money and whatever. I just can't afford the good stuff for everyone! I can't!

And I'm tired of having these arguments with her where she says I'm being cheap for her kids. I'm NOT. I'm not cheap. I'm frugal. And I am frugal across the board.

We can't afford to keep kids and ex wife in all their former glory.

I'm trying to be cool. I really am. I just keep saying "this is what we can afford"

But I keep getting crap from Mom about it. And it's going to drive me nuts I think.

I only have one week left here. I can do it right? I just have to get through this week and keep saying no. Remind me of this because I have to visit with Mom at least a few more times before I leave and I so badly want to go bat shit and ask her when she plans on supporting herself or her kids.

Sigh.

It's just a moment. It will pass. Right?

[AppendixQHLover]

Your hubby needs to tell her to get off her a44 and get a job. She needs to do her share of supporting the kids. So what if it isn't a smart phone. It is just a phone.

[mercedespony]

why isn't he paying child support?

[Alagirl]

tell her to FO and get a job.



sorry...I am nipping on the recipe, my tolerance level is going down.

If she is too sorry to replace the phone...guess what!

In all seriousness, a 13 yo with a 300$ phone...WOW!
there is this thing called tracfone...nice, functioning models for 10 bucks, I kid you not, and pay as you go. Fancier models available.

Not bringing in the dough and dogging you about the money you spend on her spawn, that is rich!

Bless you for your patience!

[Alagirl]

why isn't he paying child support?

not really important in this gig. but you can try to squeeze blood out of a turnip.

OP said he had no job for a while.

[bits619]

It's just a week, you're soooo close! Hang in there! She sounds horrid but blowing up at her would only feel good for a moment :-) then there would be the aftermath and it's not worth it!!

[ReSomething]

I guess she should count her blessings that you married the man and your income goes to him and his obligations. You could have just lived with him, kept a tight hand on your money and acted dumb.

[Canaqua]

YOU are under absolutely no financial obligation to your stepkids whatsoever. Supporting them is Mom and Dad's job. Anything you give them or do for them is generous and you should be thanked for it. Tune all the criticism out. And, if any of it is coming from the kids themselves, and not just Mom, don't get them anything until they are appreciative. I hope it's not SD13 who is complaining about the phone you gave her, especially since she lost the other one!

[BuddyRoo]

why isn't he paying child support?

Why would you assume that he isn't? In fact, even while he's been unemployed, we've stayed up on CS that IS NOT court ordered. We have actually overpaid by THOUSANDS per month at times.

The agreed upon amount was 400/mo even though they live with us most of the time and we pay for 100% of extra curricular, all clothing, all school expenses, etc.

So it's not about CS. We cover that in spades and then some.

[LexInVA]

Honestly, you're gonna have her on your back for a long time. Best thing to do is to remove her from the equation as much as possible. If things get worse, I can see her preparing for an all out assault against you using the kids and whatever other means she has to dump stress on you. If she has any history of legal, financial, or personal problems, you need to be prepared to use all of that against her if it comes down to a brawl.

[mercedespony]

not really important in this gig. but you can try to squeeze blood out of a turnip.

OP said he had no job for a while.

Then he can get his sorryass out there and find a job. McDonalds is normally always hiring.

It's his job to support HIS kids, not the Op's.

[ReSomething]

The last time I looked, admittedly a while ago, and maybe it's unique to CA, which is a community property state, the court considers the family assets when awarding child support. New wife's income gets counted as family assets.
I know it used to work that way for AFDC - boyfriend's income wasn't even considered but put a ring on it and *poof* there went the benefits.

[Canaqua]

The last time I looked, admittedly a while ago, and maybe it's unique to CA, which is a community property state, the court considers the family assets when awarding child support. New wife's income gets counted as family assets.
I know it used to work that way for AFDC - boyfriend's income wasn't even considered but put a ring on it and *poof* there went the benefits.

Doesn't work that way here in Mass. Second spouse's income is not considered in calculating CS.

[Alagirl]

Then he can get his sorryass out there and find a job. McDonalds is normally always hiring.

It's his job to support HIS kids, not the Op's.

[edit]
things are not all that rosy in many areas, even the Golden Arches have a limit on fry cooks in the kitchen.

In a different thread, the OP mentioned she was moving because DH got a job (a while ago).

That does not mean the ex gets a blank check to her account tho...

[ReSomething]

Besides, if I read this right, these are material possessions above and beyond the actual child support. No kid needs an Iphone but I sure see a lot that have them - I don't think it's a good idea myself.

BR maybe you could put the kids on an allowance and let them choose whether they are going to the consignment store and fill out a wardrobe or buy one pair af fancy shoes at the Mall. Same with the phone and every other thing. Maybe they have their mother's tastes or maybe not but the burden will no longer be on you and you can stop engaging in the Mommy wars (which is sort of what sounds like is happening here).

ETA Thanks Canaqua. That sounds far more fair.

[twotrudoc]

My, how rude, Mercedes. Get all the info before you jump down the wrong path hurling personal opinions and insults

The ex-wife needs to get off her money grubbing fat butt and get a jobby-job to support her expensive habits. It's what we "big girls" do

[stryder]

BR, she is probably feeling like crap because you are a better mother to her kids than she is.

SS came into my life when he was 12. His mom made Very Good Money and he was used to brand-name everything, always new, didn't take care of anything, lost it, broke it ... whatever. I am so not that person. The whole back-to-school shopping thing made me certifiable.

Finally. I stopped playing along: We're spending $X on school clothes. You decide if you get one shirt, or 6. I don't care which you choose. He's become a Very Good Shopper, and tighter with a buck than I am. He has money in the bank, takes care of his stuff, and thinks Dave Ramsey is a genius.

At any rate ... stick to your guns. Don't trash mom. Just bit your tongue and keep repeating, "I'm committed to our family, and I'm doing right by the girls. But you are not my charity." Then refuse to feel guilty or angry.

Hang in there, BR. Step-mom-hood is not for the weak-willed.

[mercedespony]

The last time I looked, admittedly a while ago, and maybe it's unique to CA, which is a community property state, the court considers the family assets when awarding child support. New wife's income gets counted as family assets.

Are you serious? That can't be right. New wife assets/income should have nothing to do with it.

[ReSomething]

Sorry but inequities as a result of your marital status used to be pretty common. Elders used to forgo marrying in order to get the higher benefit from social security, stuff like that. For all I know the single benefit is still higher and the elderly single are still "living in sin" in order to make ends meet.

[twotrudoc]

My paternal grandfather is currently living in sin at his mid-80s because his "girlfriend" will lose her spousal retirement and healthcare bennies if she marries.