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  1. #21
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    Nov. 8, 2005
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    NC
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    It's intriguing to me how the purchasing of a house by a couple nowadays, married or otherwise, is perhaps paradoxically but surprisingly frequently the event that seems to precipitate the collapse of their relationship. It was not always so. Certainly not in my parents' day.

    Did the vision for working on the house contribute to the demise of your relationship do you think?

    I know that tensions over the house and our differing visions of the 'permanent' way the place would evolve contributed along with other things to the end of my original marriage, though that process dragged out for many years.

    (We both agreed that we hated the country-cutesy decoration theme the previous owners left behind, but we had different ideas about what we wanted. After several years of gridlock -- other issues intervened -- while we were stuck with the original scheme, it began to feel to me that my ex was opposed to anything I liked simply because I favored it. By the time I left and she bought me out, we'd lived there about 13 years with the same ugly original decoration and no resolution. Amusingly, after I moved out, she immediately had the place redone initially in a way that was, with one exception that we'd never even considered together and therefore never had any disagreement about, virtually identical to what I had suggested in the first place. Go figure. Classic power struggle.)

    I've also heard that having a child (or losing a child to illness or accident) can also paradoxically trigger the disintegration of the parents' relationship.

    Guess these things relate to stresses or unsuspected power struggles the new situation imposes.
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein



  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jan. 14, 2003
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    5,634

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    Quote Originally Posted by Weenie19 View Post
    What I want him to do if he keeps the house is pay my parents back the money that they gave us towards the house as a gift.

    Yeah. Good luck with that. If you don't want your parents to get screwed then you will probably have to pay them back yourself.

    It sounds like he needs you for the financial stability only. Make him buy you out or sell and split the losses. He doesn't care about you and he sure doesn't care about your parents.

    BTW, you can't just take your name off the house. He will have to go to the bank and refinance and he will have to qualify based on his income and credit and the value of the house.

    So, I'm not sure what you mean by taking your name off the house and hope he repays? Do you mean repays you or your parents? Honey, there ain't no way this is happening unless the house is sold and there is equity left that can be split.



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
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    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
    Posts
    6,061

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adamantane View Post
    It's intriguing to me how the purchasing of a house by a couple nowadays, married or otherwise, is perhaps paradoxically but surprisingly frequently the event that seems to precipitate the collapse of their relationship. It was not always so. Certainly not in my parents' day.
    There was never a single man in my family who ever had an opinion about the decor. If it was broke they fixed it, then they went back outside to work on something. Women stayed out of the garage. As long as dinner was on time, everyone was happy...

    Then I meet my husband. 44 years old, never married, and owner of his own well decorated house. My impression: Since when do men have an opinion on the color of the drapes?



  4. #24
    Join Date
    Sep. 27, 2004
    Posts
    435

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    I've been in your exact shoes, and I'm not going to lie, it sucks.

    Ex and I bought a house (mortgage in both of our names) then split after a year. Toughed it out for 3 months before I couldn't take it anymore. Here's what I did, and while it's not perfect, its worked OK for me.

    Ex wanted the house, and I didn't. We signed an agreement that was notarized and said he was responsible for all bills and expenses associated with the house. I also removed my name from the deed to limit my liability for anything that happens there. In exchange, he gave me the $12K my father had gifted us for down payment back. Like you, I wanted to make sure that my parents didn't pay for my mistake. I gave up my equity in the house (not much) but was able to leave it all behind and get a small apartment.

    My name is still on our joint mortgage. While this is sub-optimal, he wasn't able to qualify for a refinance on his own. We weren't able to sell without having to repay the $8K first-time homebuyers credit, plus the house is worth less than we paid now, so we'd lose a significant amount. However I was advised, at least in my state, that you can go to court on joint owned property and force the sale, if you wanted to go that route. In my case, ex wanted and was willing to pay for the house, so that's the route I took.

    I have to check on mortgage monthly to ensure it is paid, but ex and I are civil so it's not a huge deal. Would I love to be rid of it? Yes. But getting out was more important, so at least I have that.

    This is going to be extremely hard. Make sure you have family and friends around for support. I did, and it made all the difference.

    Good luck!



  5. #25
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2006
    Location
    Eastern WV Panhandle
    Posts
    1,246

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    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    Get out of the freaking house. File a quit claim and get the hell out if you can.
    Bad idea - that removes her ownership interest in the house and does not get her out of paying back the loan. She'll then owe on a house she doesn't own or control, trusting someone with not-so-hot credit to make payments on time. No way in hell should she go there.

    OP has these financial options:
    - Sell her interest to the ex, who will have to refi to get her off the loan, and it sounds like he can't based on his own credit, or
    - Buy out the ex (can you afford to?), or
    - They sell the house, and it sounds like he doesn't want to, so she'll have to force a partition action in the courts. Just an FYI - attorneys aren't cheap. Hope you have a few thousand in the bank.

    Well, ok, there's a fourth option, which is suck it up, deal with your emotions, and stay until one of the above can happen.



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Nov. 20, 2010
    Location
    Upstate New York
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    3,769

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    Quote Originally Posted by gieriscm View Post
    Bad idea - that removes her ownership interest in the house and does not get her out of paying back the loan. She'll then owe on a house she doesn't own or control, trusting someone with not-so-hot credit to make payments on time. No way in hell should she go there.

    OP has these financial options:
    - Sell her interest to the ex, who will have to refi to get her off the loan, and it sounds like he can't based on his own credit, or
    - Buy out the ex (can you afford to?), or
    - They sell the house, and it sounds like he doesn't want to, so she'll have to force a partition action in the courts. Just an FYI - attorneys aren't cheap. Hope you have a few thousand in the bank.

    Well, ok, there's a fourth option, which is suck it up, deal with your emotions, and stay until one of the above can happen.
    Was agreeing with most others to get out to give yourself peace of mind, but she's right about your still having an obligation with that mortgage - unless the mortgage company/bank agree to finance to him alone once you've been handed your fair share.

    My mortgage is 11 years old, I have been paying on it myself for 9 years, been divorced for 6, and my ex's name still is on the mortgage. He hates it because it has continued to show up on his credit reports, and even though via the divorce agreement it is my obligation to pay the mortgage, the bank won't release him from his obligation.

    It annoys me that his name is the primary lender, and the correspondence still goes to him as if he's been doing all the hard work, but neither would I release him while he still owed child support/maintenance - which he backed out of towards the end. Just about to take him off now - if the bank will ok it, since I've finally qualified to have escrow dropped. The bank does have the final say.

    But ideally, I think it would be best if you lived apart. Think use of professionals here a good idea. An attorney to advise you, and perhaps a couple's counselor to help you assess your choices, how to handle being in the same house if you must, and perhaps with both of you together to figure it out.

    Good luck!
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes



  7. #27
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2009
    Location
    Alberta's bread basket
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    1,493

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    I agree with most of what everyone else said. You need to move forwards.

    This current situation is not healthy. You can't be living together while he's out dating. You must move forward and onwards.

    If this is truly the end, then split your assets - sell the house outright, or buy him out, or make him buy you out. If he won't budge, start the proceeds of legal separation anyway since you are technically common-law. If it takes a visit with a judge to get the ball moving, then do it. It will take you a while to get back on your feet afterwards, financially, but the most important thing here is your emotional health and mental health.
    http://www.mariposasporthorses.com/

    Practice! Patience! Persistence!



  8. #28
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    4,978

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    Why does he get the house? Sounds like you already have more invested in it financially and are the more responsible party. Why not kick him to the curb and get yourself a roommate? I bet your parents would help you buy him out if you promised to pay them back when you sell. H*ll, even if you want to sell, kick him out and you do the selling and get your money back! Take care of yourself and don't feel sorry for the rat ba***rd!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2010
    Posts
    30

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    Thank you everyone for all the information and support. I have alot to think about, and I know it will be a long road before I feel happy again, but I do know it will happen!



  10. #30
    Join Date
    Dec. 30, 2003
    Posts
    383

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    I'd suggest going to your bank and of course the lawyer, or at least go on-line to see what your laws cover in regards to marital/common-law property.

    Doesn't cost anything to speak to your bank, and you may be surprised by what your financial options are.

    For instance, it may benefit you to buy him out, stay in house for a year then sell. If you are going to be paying rent that money may be better spent paying down a mortgage and working on your property to make it more sellable in the meantime. Since your parents have already invested in your property, they may be willing to help you buy him out if required. Or your buyout cost gets added to your mortgage, so it isn't one lump sum you have to come up with.

    At least in my country - do NOT leave the house until you have everything figured out. Once a person has left they do not have the right to come back.

    As per my own experience, I would suggest you go to bank first, lawyer second. Beg or borrow the money for the initial consult if needed.

    Seems to me like the worst thing you could do is to leave the house and hope he pays your parents back for the down payment.

    Good to luck to you! Remember that this time will be stressful, and it will suck, but it does get better and is so worth it to take the time to ensure you are doing what is best for you.



  11. #31
    Join Date
    Dec. 11, 2005
    Location
    Southern California - Hemet
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    You've received some excellent advice here, but I just wanted to add my voice to the pile of consult a lawyer who specializes in real estate club. I'd suggest doing that as soon as possible. Best of luck to you.



  12. #32
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2005
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    2,227

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    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    There was never a single man in my family who ever had an opinion about the decor. If it was broke they fixed it, then they went back outside to work on something. Women stayed out of the garage. As long as dinner was on time, everyone was happy...

    Then I meet my husband. 44 years old, never married, and owner of his own well decorated house. My impression: Since when do men have an opinion on the color of the drapes?
    I've been very independent and self-sufficient since I was a kid and so I'm interested in everything, not just the traditional stuff. While decorating doesn't much appeal to me, there are a few things in the apperance and construction of a house I feel strongly about since I have to live with them, and I know what I don't like. If I have to write a check each month to cover the mortgage, I'm going to make sure I'm not avoidably paying for ugly.
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein



  13. #33
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2004
    Location
    Rixeyville, VA
    Posts
    6,363

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    Given today's record low interest rates, I would look hard at trying to refi myself. I've been in markets where it made more sense to hold on the real estate and wait for value to return.

    When my ex and I split after 5 years, we did share a rental house before and after the divorce. We owned property together in another state and it was rented out. The mortgage was being paid. Eventually I moved back to area and into the real estate. I bought him out when I refinanced. It was years between the divorce and refi. The reason that this worked was because my ex and I were civil and respectful to each other. We had very little to fight about and we wanted to end up friends. Nearly 30 years later, we are on good terms. I still send him birthday and Xmas gifts. So it can work out, but it takes a commitment to working with your ex in a fair, business like manner. It got much easier over time.
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