Hugs to you...You cant beat yourself up, it was ultimately her decision however painful it is to those left behind. I think in time the pain will ease and you will build new friendships to help fill the void. While no one can replace your friend, new friends will help you get to a new chapter in your life and perhaps take you to a place you never thought you could be. Again, Hugs to you.
My condolences on your loss. I lost my brother 20 years ago and can speak to the incredible support given by the Survivor of Suicide groups across the nation. If you are not into support groups, there is also the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's survivor pages that have tons of info about coping with the loss. http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseac...84379C813F8D93
What got me through the horribleness is hoping that he found the peace he needed. The pain and guilt will subside over time, but she will always be in your heart.
I am so sorry for the untimely death of your friend.
One of the cruelest things about suicide is that those who do themselves in are so caught up in the seeming miseries of the moment that they discount both the likely availability of many friends and relatives who could and would have been supportive in their lives, and the enduring impact the suicide will have upon those people left behind second-guessing themselves, wondering why, and grieving. No doubt they never would have wished that on others, but being depressed were also blinkered.
Two of those to whom I had been closest and most deeply connected in my life, my longtime best friend, and my first girlfriend in high school who long before in another neighborhood had also been one of my playmates from infancy through 6th grade, killed themselves.
I only just learned that Teri had killed herself a few weeks ago; before that I only knew she had died a dozen years ago, very young. The shock even years later of the news was devastating. Her poor now elderly parents had to endure my melting down over the phone when they shared the information.
I can strongly empathize with what you're experiencing and only wish I could help take away some of the sting.
Time helps, but too slowly and too little. At least when my best friend died in 2003, I had the benefit of the counselor who'd helped me through the process of leaving my first wife. I'd encourage you to find either a support group or a therapist if this continually preys upon your mind.
If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?
"Things should be as simple as possible, but no simpler." - Einstein
You work in a psych ward. You're not a psychic. The only one who could have KNOWN was her, and if she went through with it, she wanted to do it. It was not your fault nor could you have prevented it. It is NOT YOUR FAULT in any way, shape or form. Grieve, don't beat yourself up.
In May, ironically during finals week as I wrapped up my undergraduate degree in Psychology, my husband attempted suicide. I did not see it coming. In fact, he was hospitalized for a car wreck, and they found empty bottles of Ambien and Valium in his truck, and I still thought it was an accident until he woke up and confirmed it was a suicide attempt. I knew he was battling severe PTSD and major depressive disorder, but he gave NO indication he was suicidal.
Please don't beat yourself up over it. And I would highly recommended counseling to talk your thoughts out as you mentioned you have been depressed as well. Working in a psych unit as you know can be very taxing, and you need to take care of yourself.
Again, I am sorry about your friend. Will be thinking about you a lot.
"I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."
So sorry. Such a sad situation for all that loved her. As others have said, you have no need to feel guilty, you couldn't have stopped her.
Take care of yourself as a tribute to your friend. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. You can't move on until you have let the emotions come and go. Don't beat yourself up with the things you can't change. Take whatever time you need to deal with it.
I personally got involved with a guy who threatened suicide many years ago. He came into my office and told me he planned to kill himself after he had divorced his wife and had dated one of our secretaries. I asked him to go to a shrink, and he refused. I asked him to talk to family or friends and he said no. I tried to help him.
Long story short, I spent some months trying to convince him not to kill himself. When I realized that he was going to do so, I asked him NOT to use a gun, and not to kill himself in front of his 9 yr old son. He did both. On his son's birthday. And yes, I'd gone to our boss and a supervisor in our office and told them what was going on. They did not believe me. For almost a year thereafter, I was allergic to everything. I'd never had allergies before that.
BTW, Sex will not prevent someone from committing suicide.
I would not get involved in something like that again. I don't think that you can prevent someone from killing himself if he wants to do so. Don wanted to kill 3 guys in our office! I did talk him out of that. (And this was the office of the DA in Atlanta.)
Don't blame yourself. You cannot see into the dark recesses of someone else's mind. You cannot change the destiny of someone who fears death less than he fears life.
I think it's safe to say that all of us who have lost a close friend or family member to suicide felt, as you do, the need to ask oneself "what could I have done to prevent this" and we feel guilt if we think we "failed" the person in some way. But in reality their pain was not about anything we "failed" to do...I only comfort myself that they are out of their pain now.
My only uncle, who helped raised me, and one of my oldest friends both committed suicide within the past two years. It wasn't until I went through this that I learned how many people around me have been impacted by suicide.
I have so much respect for you for posting this under your own name.