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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 11, 2006
    Location
    Berryville, VA
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    2,848

    Unhappy One Of My Best Friends Killed Herself

    One of my closest friends took her own life recently. We grew up together, were in Pony Club and 4-H through our teen years, and got hired on the same day, on the same unit of our hospital last year. She was depressed and I knew things were bad. We talked almost every night. My life took a bad turn for the worse about six weeks ago and she was with me every step of the way. Things were rough on her end too, so we were two peas in a pod.

    I knew she was depressed and talked about suicide. We both work as RN's on a psych unit, so of anyone, I should have known what was coming. The guilt I am living with is over-powering. How do you move on from something that you could have stopped. I feel like a failure as a friend and as a professional.

    I didn't use an alter because I think this is something that should be out there. If you or someone you know is thinking about hurting themselves, there is help out there! Depression is a LIAR!! It does get better. This is not the end. Those of us that are left would do anything to change the past. Please call someone ANYONE before taking the next step.
    Boarding for Show, Pleasure, and Retirement horses. www.LockeMeadows.com


    3 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2008
    Location
    Greeley, Colorado
    Posts
    3,801

    Default

    *hugs*
    **Friend of bar.ka**

    Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
    My equine soulmate



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    31,477

    Default

    Many hugs to you.

    Please. Do not beat yourself up over the 'I should have known'
    Hindsight is always 20/20.
    I am sure she did not give you any reason to believe she was any worse off than before.

    pray she is in a better place, free of her inner demons.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul. 16, 2001
    Location
    The Great White North, where we get taxed out the wazoo
    Posts
    638

    Default

    Omg, hugs, that is so awful for you. Jingles for you and her family too.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr. 21, 2008
    Location
    Somewhere in Texas YEEHAW!
    Posts
    850

    Default

    *big hugs* so sorry for your loss. I think she was very lucky to have somebody so close that she could talk with like you. Please don't blame yourself.
    OTTB CONNECT
    FB group for all things related to non racing Thoroughbreds.. Click here to join ~~~> OTTB CONNECT



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 1, 2003
    Location
    The Shake and Bake State
    Posts
    11,537

    Default

    I am sorry. I can't imagine the pain you feel. I wish I had words of wisdom but unfortunately all I can offer is a hug. What terrible thing to go through for everyone involved.
    ~Amy~ TrakehNERD clique
    *Bugs 5/86-3/10 OTTB Mare* RIP lovely Lady, I miss you
    *Frodo '03 Anglo Trakehner Gelding*
    My Facebook



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2008
    Location
    Snohomish, WA
    Posts
    3,950

    Default

    I absolutely second this. You cannot do the "shoulda, woulda, couldas".
    If someone really wants to leave, there is nothing you can do to stop them.
    ((hugs)) and prayers for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    Many hugs to you.

    Please. Do not beat yourself up over the 'I should have known'
    Hindsight is always 20/20.
    I am sure she did not give you any reason to believe she was any worse off than before.

    pray she is in a better place, free of her inner demons.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    LM, I am so sorry for your loss. Please please know that this is not your fault.

    Working in psych, you have to know somewhere in your brain that if someone is really set on doing it, they will find a way.

    My uncle killed himself and our family has not been the same since. He had been in a psych ward back in the 80's that got closed down so all patients were released. He was dead in less than a week. A close friend of the family got a weekend release from the psych program she was in (for good behavior) and hung herself while her mother was out feeding the horses that weekend. People who have truly made that decision will do it...no matter what unfortunately.

    Four years ago, I helped to get my good friend committed involuntarily. Ruined our friendship for obvious reasons. But at the time, she was a real threat to herself and others. She is now living quite happily I hear.

    Sometimes you can intervene, but if someone is really really set on it there's nothing you can do.

    You and her family are in my thoughts.

    ((hugs))
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  9. #9
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2008
    Location
    Scranton, PA
    Posts
    729

    Default

    Right or wrong I take some comfort in the idea that when someone is on that suicidal track, the only one who can truly save then is themselves. Psych wards, meds, etc are merely holding them together just enough to function. With that in mind I find it very hard to harbor guilt over suicide. It is truly a disease of the mind.

    This being said, my dad took his life 4 years ago today...tomorrow. Whatever it is.
    It took me a very long time to cope with the grief and guilt I felt over his death.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,714

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    Hugs. You can do just so much, an RN who wants to leave knows many processes that will be successful, even with immediate intervention.

    You were her friend and tried to help, but this is something only that individual can really do. Just as with addicts, "they" have to make the decision to change. We can not make the decision for them.

    Take care of yourself and allow yourself to live.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 11, 2006
    Location
    Berryville, VA
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    The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that she is no longer in her own "living hell", as she put it. I have not had one minutes anger at her because I understand the pain she was in. I am truly happy that she is now at peace. However, I miss her every hour of every day of my life. I cry every time I pull in the lot at work and her car isn't there. Life just isn't the same without her.
    Boarding for Show, Pleasure, and Retirement horses. www.LockeMeadows.com



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
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    Quote Originally Posted by LockeMeadows View Post
    The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that she is no longer in her own "living hell", as she put it. I have not had one minutes anger at her because I understand the pain she was in. I am truly happy that she is now at peace. However, I miss her every hour of every day of my life. I cry every time I pull in the lot at work and her car isn't there. Life just isn't the same without her.

    When we mourn death it is never the passing of the person, but the void they leave in our lives.

    Last week my stepmother passed.
    She has battled cancer for 4 and a half years now. Ironically she fell ill as my sister lay dieing.
    While neither woman treated me particularly well, we had our good moments.
    I miss them.
    But time will ease most of your pain. Yes, you will always feel the void. Some days more, and more and more days less.
    That is alright!
    Time will be your friend.

    {{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov. 4, 2007
    Posts
    159

    Default

    I am so sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing at the beginning of the summer. We were all in shock. Although my friend had made many (around 30) unsuccessful attempts in the past, she appeared to be in a really good place. I don't think anyone really saw it coming.

    I still think of her often and am in turns sad, angry, and resigned. Most of the time I'm still angry. The grief and questions that she left her family with are the worst.

    Like someone above said, if they're determined to do it, they will find a way. I'm sorry you lost your friend. I hope she's in a happier, more peaceful place and that you find peace with this too.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2009
    Posts
    902

    Default

    I am so sorry for your loss. As others have said, you are not to blame, and its unlikely you could have changed the course of fate. Now it is time to make sure you get the help you need, whether that is through therapy, time with friends, hobbies, etc. Take care of you, because ultimately, no matter how unhappy your friend was, she wanted you to be happy. I wish you a peaceful healing time from this tragedy.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Aug. 8, 2001
    Location
    up the hill from the little river (that floods alarmingly often)
    Posts
    3,610

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    Hugs for you, LockeMeadows. Such a difficult thing to deal with.
    Full-time bargain hunter.



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2006
    Location
    An American Living In Ireland
    Posts
    5,658

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    LM, I am so sorry for you and what you must being going through. I have no idea what that feels like.

    I'd like to touch on a point that Wombat made. In Ireland the suicide rate is quite high. I haven't personally known anyone who committed suicide but I think 3 in the last year in our small town have commited suicide as well as a good friend of one of my friends. They've had some articles in the papers and often times what fools loved ones, family, and friends is that these people enter a happy phase just before suicide. They've made up their mind, have made peace, and just wait for the right time. As everyone has their guard down because said person appears to finally be coming out of the darkness, it's even harder for family and friend's to deal with.

    I questioned myself on putting the above paragraph in this post. Just putting it out there in case it may help. Sorry if I overstepped my mark.

    Again, LM, you were a wonderful caring friend. You were there for her during her worst times and she for you. She had somebody and so many don't. There's a huge void for you right now that only time can help to heal. I never think people are selfish with this action. They just can't go on. I wish your friend peace.

    All the best,
    Terri
    COTH, keeping popcorn growers in business for years.

    "I need your grace to remind me to find my own." Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars. This line reminds me why I have horses.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2010
    Posts
    1,751

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    Two contemporaries of my sons committed suicide this summer within a week of each other. My nephew was the first person on the site for one of these unfortunate events. So, we have had some long discussions about suicide this summer, especially since depression runs in my family and my husband's family.

    All of that is a long runup to my comment: Please take care of yourself. If you are also suffering from depression, please see your mental health professionals more often during this difficult time and do whatever you need to find support. You might consider at least looking at the web site www.survivorsofsuicide.com and maybe attend a local group? I understand you are grieving but that is even more reason to be kinder to yourself and do what you need to do to stay mentally sound.

    I am so, so sorry for you, your friend, and her family and friends.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Sep. 29, 2009
    Posts
    2,576

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    (((((HUGS)))))

    I am so sorry for your loss.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2012
    Location
    Fern Creek, KY
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    Many, many hugs to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jan. 25, 2011
    Location
    Southern Pines, NC
    Posts
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    Hugs and jingles for you. It's very hard being one of the people left behind, I've experienced that myself this year so I know the feeling. More hugs.
    I've heard there's more to life than an FEI tent and hotel rooms, so I'm trying it.



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