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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    New England
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    1,982

    Default I am Angry.

    During my maternity leave, my employee (and 20+ year friend) found out her mother was dying, tossed her hubby for being a porn addict and was planning on leaving when I returned to go to a new field.

    Well, she walked out with no notice 2 weeks early. Had a breakdown. At first I was understanding, but now I'm just pissed.

    Instead of taking a week to clear her head and maybe calling me to update me on the state of the office, she decided to bitch on FB about how my company screwed her (we did not) and how happy she was to never have to return.

    I feel badly about the porn addicted bisexual hubby, the mom and so forth. I do, as a friend. But as a boss? I am furious. Its my family company and I was forced to end my maternity leave weeks early. That caused me to undergo stress migraines, nightmares and not being able to sleep, never mind scrambling to find sitters for my 2 month old.

    She's continuing to trash the company-without naming it but everyone knows where she worked-on FB. I'm thisclose to sending her a very angry email about her behaviour. I'm trying not to, given the crap she's going through, but MY life changing event got screwed too.

    Thoughts?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    13,016

    Default

    Give her a break...mom dying, and a porn addicted, bisexual husband that gets booted, kinda trumps a new baby in the life changing/screwed up head kind of way.

    Send her an email telling her how sorry you are about the horrible things going on in her life, and ask her to please stop with the derogatory talk about your company.
    (Congrats on the baby by the way...)



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    Sounds like she's in a pretty messed up state.

    If you weren't her boss, just your friend, what would you think about her FB posts? My guess is that you'd see it for what it is--redirection/misplaced anger by a person who is struggling mentally--and not take any comments about people or places very seriously.

    While I can TOTALLY understand your anger, the truth is that her behavior really only reflects poorly on her and is unlikely to harm your business in any way.

    However as her friend and part of the business that she is badmouthing, I would be hurt. Sometimes taking the "When you, I feel" approach and explaining how her actions are hurting you is more effective than anger. Might be worth a shot IF you want to play into the drama at all.

    It might be less stressful for you to just hide her on FB for awhile and let things simmer down.

    I'm sorry that you're having to go back to work early. I hope you can find a a way to do some work from home or on more of a PT basis so you can spend time with your wee one. I suspect that you'd be pretty stressed even if you were going back to work on the pre planned schedule--most new moms struggle with it initially in my experience. Good luck.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2012
    Posts
    113

    Default

    You're justified in being angry, but don't send an email. Her life's in turmoil for nothing but one bad reason after another. Your life is turmoil for a beautiful, happy reason.

    Take the high road and wish her peace. Sorry your maternity leave was marred by this but congratulations.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2012
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    2,823

    Default

    Mom dying? That's huge, not to mention ending a marriage over porn/whatever. She's on massive overload. Congrats on the new baby but losing a parent (and a marriage) is pretty much a 15 on the life richter scale.

    I would give it time. Things will settle. I guess she is doing the best she can, sounds like slash and burn, and perhaps your friendship cannot survive this. Perhaps if you meet with her, talk about her disappointments with your company, how she thinks your friendship can endure, given what she has said, there would be a way to resolve it. Sorry for all concerned as it sounds like a very stressful situation.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2003
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    3,038

    Default

    Congrats on the new baby, and please remember your hormones and motherhood instincts are running the show right now. Take a deep breath, let it out slowly, focus on something relaxing.

    What she did was not the best thing for you. It may have been a very hard choice for her, and you don't know how much she agonized over it before bailing. She's angry, and may not be directing her anger appropriately.

    About all you can do is ask her to quit bashing the company. And once she gets back on firm ground, she will figure out she needs to stop anyhow.

    Yes, what she did screws up your life in the short term. You may need some spouse and family support so don't hesitate to ask for it.
    It's 2014. Do you know where your old horse is?



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 10, 2007
    Location
    SE Wisconsin
    Posts
    2,197

    Default

    I'm sorry you had to cut your maternity leave short. If I remember right, this was a totally unexpected, sorta "wow-I-wasn't-ever-supposed-to-be-able-to-get-pregnant-baby" so that makes it extra, extra special, too, no? So I really am sorry you don't get to spend all that lovely, once-in-a-lifetime time with your newborn.

    However, I do think you need to cut your friend a little bit of slack. Finding out your mom's dying is a huge shock to deal with, and finding out that your husband is bi at roughly the same time is another enormous, life-changing event as well.

    Maybe "unfriend" her on FB for a while? At least she isn't naming the company, which would be a hell of a lot worse, for sure.

    BOTH of you are going through massive life changes right now. That's my main point.
    I loff my Quarter horse clique

    I kill threads dead!



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Posts
    1,830

    Default

    I think a lot of people lack the emotional ability to say a relationship is ok but not worth continuing. The only way they can force themselves to move on is to convince themselves the situation is a lot more awful than it really is. I've seen this behavior from both bosses and employees.

    However, it does seem kind of shortsighted to bail out of a job the way your employee did. What does she expect you to say when a prospective employer contacts you for references?



  9. #9
    Join Date
    May. 24, 2006
    Posts
    2,896

    Default

    I am so sorry this happened to you, but in her state, she probably has a real need to have an outlet for all the things that are totally out of her hands such as her Mom's diagnosis, her very sick in the head husband etc. The only thing she probably has to direct all her anger at is her old job. I would take the high road and if you ever get the chance as a friend suggest that she should seriouly consider getting therapy to help her deal with the mess that is her life. You are starting on a whole new chapter of your life due to happy things. Try to stay focused on that. You have a right to be pissed, but don't let it ruin all the good things going on in your life right now.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    9,046

    Default

    I think you need to unfriend her on FB, stop looking at her postings, and realize that many people realize that when you trash how a company supposedly treated you, that instead you are the screw up.

    And in a few months when she realizes she totally screwed her work life over, and she wants to come back just say no. Hire a replacement, train them, and forget the friendship.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,970

    Default

    Consider speaking with a lawyer. This person is defaming your company and you online. Determine what you can and can not do legally to have her cease making comments.

    Only with the lawyer's blessing, have a lunch or coffee with this person. She needs to know that her actions are not only destructive for your company but even more self destructive for her. She is trashing her chances for future employment. Who wants to hire someone who trashed their former employer?

    Then say GoodBye. The friendship and work relationship is done.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  12. #12
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2006
    Location
    Eastern WV Panhandle
    Posts
    1,246

    Default

    I wouldn't send an email or anything else to her. Cut ties, unfriend her, whatever. She's digging her own grave in the professional world, as employers these days will often look at the social media pages of prospective employees. If she's trashing a former employer and spewing that much vitriol on FB, she's not likely to get hired anywhere else soon.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2009
    Location
    Lexington, KY
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    19,409

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fooler View Post
    Consider speaking with a lawyer. This person is defaming your company and you online. Determine what you can and can not do legally to have her cease making comments.

    Only with the lawyer's blessing, have a lunch or coffee with this person. She needs to know that her actions are not only destructive for your company but even more self destructive for her. She is trashing her chances for future employment. Who wants to hire someone who trashed their former employer?

    Then say GoodBye. The friendship and work relationship is done.
    I totally agree. This is your business, how you earn your living. I'm sure the ex-employee is in a bad place emotionally, but that's really not your problem, is it? Your business is your problem.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul. 14, 2000
    Location
    midwest
    Posts
    10,518

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fooler View Post
    Consider speaking with a lawyer. This person is defaming your company and you online. Determine what you can and can not do legally to have her cease making comments.

    Only with the lawyer's blessing, have a lunch or coffee with this person. She needs to know that her actions are not only destructive for your company but even more self destructive for her. She is trashing her chances for future employment. Who wants to hire someone who trashed their former employer?

    Then say GoodBye. The friendship and work relationship is done.
    This ten fold.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
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    33,148

    Default

    I can hugely sympathize with people going through rough patches.

    it still is not excuse for poor behavior or taking a leave from truth.

    I think this lady needs a friendly reminder of this. I am thinking about the personal route via dialog before involving the lawyers to ask her to take the stuff down now and considering how willing you are to talk to/with her once she rectified her cranial inversion problem.
    Quote Originally Posted by fargaloo View Post
    Do you not understand how asking "why now?" is EXACTLY part of the reason why assault victims feel silenced?



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jul. 10, 2012
    Location
    Columbus, OH
    Posts
    279

    Default

    I speak as an HR person, not as a lawyer.

    It is reasonable to shoot her a brief, to the point email indicating that you've noticed via FB that she has some issues with your company, and by extension, you. Very simply say something like, "it would be in everyone's best if we kept these discussions on the private and professional level." It's all fine and well to be understanding in practice, but don't say anything on paper/in email. Remind her to contact you (or whoever is handling her term info) directly.

    I tend to be very understanding in life-changing situations; however, that's not a good excuse for committing professional hari-kuri on Facebook. It's a double-sided favour to ask her to knock it off, as many people have noted that the person doing the griping looks the most foolish. As an HR person, there really are only so many "FML posts" I let pass before I start wondering if the person is a liability.

    Good luck, and congrats on your new arrival.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
    Posts
    7,185

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by tradewind View Post
    I am so sorry this happened to you, but in her state, she probably has a real need to have an outlet for all the things that are totally out of her hands such as her Mom's diagnosis, her very sick in the head husband etc. The only thing she probably has to direct all her anger at is her old job.
    I was going to say this ^^
    Why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?
    ~ Dave Barry



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,982

    Default


    So she seems to have ceased the bitching.
    One thing, she left my company to work for her father's company. Which is ironic, since if someone bad mouthed HER fathers company, she would feel pretty PO'd too.

    I have not written to her, I have been waiting for something else to be posted so I can just un-friend her. Which she will notice, which she will email me about and I can tell her.

    As a decent human, I can't blast her. Her circumstances are unique, the husband etc...so I think she got the message by me ignoring her emails. Her angry, f-bomb emails. She reached out to HR here to settle some vacation pay, which she should have done instead of emailing me (christ, she was here for 6 years, she KNOWS better).

    Yes the baby is my miracle. I treasure every moment, since he's our only baby ever. I'm angry that part of that got taken away, and I am struggling with working part time (and the other part from home) sooner than I wanted, but such is life, especially since I'm senior management.

    The good news is that her replacement started and is doing well. I'm still miffed, but I hope for her sake she doesnt post anything else or I will send that email.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2001
    Location
    Finally...back in civilization, more or less
    Posts
    11,510

    Default

    It's very hard to mix business and friendship, I think, especially in an employer/employee situation. I can totally understand why you'd feel angry, but I think continued restraint is your best option. Deal with the business and friendship issues separately if you can.

    For example, she left early, which was a hardship to your company, and there may be consequences for that; in my company, that would mean you'd forfeit certain benefits we'd otherwise offer. However, the impact on your personal life (however disruptive) can't factor into that, as it's really not the employee's concern or problem. (Obviously the friendship is another matter entirely.)

    I think I would have to respond to the FB posts to the effect of, "It's very disappointing to me that after 20+ years of working together, there were issues of such concern to you that you never raised. Nevertheless, I/we wish you the best and hope things settle down soon after all you have been through," or something along those lines. It takes the high road while still implying to those who know you and your company, that the woman is currently under some stress that is causing her to say things she otherwise probably would not.
    **********
    We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
    -PaulaEdwina



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Aug. 15, 2008
    Posts
    4,589

    Default

    LBM, just wanted to say it's going to be ok, no matter how it turns out.

    I don't want this to come off sounding know it all or belittling, because it's so not meant to be.

    But I remember what head space I was in when my son was 2 months old. There are still hormones, some unbelievable mother lion stuff going on and just trying to adjust to life as a mom after 39 years of SOOO not being a mom.

    It's rough. You are sleep deprived, too.

    This couldn't have happened at a worse time for you. Just make sure however you decide to handle it, that you don't make any big decisions without having had some sleep, a meal and some time for yourself. Just as your friend/exfriend isn't herself right now with everything that's going with her, you aren't yourself either.

    I'm not saying cut her a break or let it slide. But how you handle it or think you should handle it might change depending on how much you've been able to take care of yourself and how much rest you've gotten.
    "Aye God, Woodrow..."


    1 members found this post helpful.

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