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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2010
    Posts
    25

    Default How to Kick Him to the Curb

    I'm married to a man who has no respect for me, my things, my thoughts, my feelings, etc. To top it off, he's an alcoholic. Last night, he drank himself silly, and I found myself actually sick to my stomach just looking at him trying to walk around and be human. He does not normally get nasty or anything when drinking, unless of course you cross him, but that isn't it. I was just so disgusted that he sat and drank for hours, ate no food, and then acts the fool. Literally, I felt sick.

    I want out... but I don't know how to do it. Our house is an old farmhouse that needs work. I don't have the confidence that I can take care of it on my own. He doesn't work, so he takes care of all the household things, including the barn. When I get home from work, there isn't much left for me to do. I think I'd be in shell shock if I had to do it all myself, considering I'm away from home 11 hours of the day. I am a strong person, or, maybe I should rephrase that and say I WAS a strong person. He's really brought me down to a level I haven't been to in YEARS. I don't feel that fierce independence I did before we were married. I should have known better than to marry a drunk. I didn't find the other stuff out until after we were married. He acts more like my father, and he does whatever it is he wants, without any regard to how it affects me or our life. We don't have a relationship other than as roommates, I am getting nothing out of this. Yet, I can't find it in me to tell him to hit the road. WTF is wrong with me?!

    I tried going to counseling, and while I think it helped some, just telling me to move out, didn't really help me. However, I started thinking last night, I need to get my financial house in order, start thinking about where I could board my horses, where I could live and began starting to consider, "just moving out". Even though I have made every house payment, etc., sometimes it's just not worth it.

    What I CAN'T seem to figure out is WHY I am so hesitant to tell him to beat it. This is ridiculous. I'm the financially stable one, the breadwinner, I know I have nothing to lose, so what the heck gives?!?!? Anyone else been there?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun. 19, 2001
    Location
    Washington, D.C.
    Posts
    2,080

    Default

    I just read this really quickly and I really feel for you...what a crappy situation.

    You did just mention boarding your horses...is that a financial possibility right now or in the near future? If so, could you board them and then ask him to leave? That would alleviate the burden of having so much to deal with work-wise around your farm once he's gone, with the added bonus of getting you out of the house and around other people to visit your horses while you re-adjust to being free again.

    Good luck to you...situations like this are never easy.

    Edited to add: It's natural that you're hesitant to tell him to get out. Despite how you feel about him now, you obviously once loved him enough to marry him, and with that came plans for a shared life together. Now you're having to go through the process of letting go of that once and for all--and you won't truly be able to until you've actually gotten away from him. I think the situation you're finding yourself in is surprisingly common, unfortunately, so don't beat yourself up about it. Just know that once it's all over you will be indescribably relieved.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,785

    Default

    I think you're afraid what will happen when you try to tell him to leave. And the fact you say he's fine except when you cross him raises all types of red flags to me. I think you need to see the best family law attorney you can find locally, for a consultation. Because you are the breadwinner it might not be so easy to divorce, and leave with anything financially intact, but an attorney needs to tell you about the reality of this. Then if you decide to leave do it when he's gone somewhere, and make sure everything financial is separated already. That includes all accounts, and credit without any way for him to charge against your accounts.

    You can't fix him, because he has to want to fix himself, but you can save yourself. You need to find out from a competent attorney what happens in your location in your exact situation. If nothing else you can at least talk to one, and see what your options are. And if he leaves, change all of the locks asap.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec. 18, 2002
    Location
    Chesterton, IN US
    Posts
    1,316

    Default

    Get yourself to a divorce lawyer and find out your rights before you do anything. You need to know your rights and what to expect at least financially. Since he doesn't work, you may find yourself supporting him! Good luck, and you can do it.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    Agree on consulting with an attorney before making any move.

    You're bright, employed, have a history of paying all the bills, have been out on your own before, etc etc etc--you WILL be fine on your own. Better than fine when you're not tiptoeing around this guy.

    I wish I had advice for you other than the "consult an attorney", but it sounds like your safety could be a concern and I think a professional opinion is best.

    Good luck.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2006
    Posts
    7,361

    Default

    Agree with the others. Please consult an attorney before you make any moves, especially since you are the breadwinner. (Example, here in NYS, that would require you to pay HIM spousal support.)
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep. 1, 2007
    Posts
    654

    Default

    I can't help you, but I can provide sympathy. I was with my ex boyfriend for 7 years and he too was an alcoholic. I put up with it because I was young and vunerable and regardless of his lifestyle, I felt safe with him. As time wore on and I matured, I started noticing things about him that made me sick. I stumbled on a bottle of vodka with a shot glass next to it in our closet (gives real meaning to the term "closet alcoholic"). The next week, he got rough with me while under the influence. I pulled away but still didn't leave him. I just spent any free time that I had away from him.

    I met my the man that I married while still in a relationship with this alcoholic. He gave me the strength to leave when I wouldn't have before. Sadly, my husband suffered from PTSD and depression and recently divorced me because, well. I really don't know to be honest, but we maintain a solid friendship and I thank God every day that he came into my life when he did and saved me when I couldn't save myself.

    I was young and it took more for me to find my path away from a bad relationship. You know that this man needs to leave your life already. You're leaps and bounds ahead of where I was.

    I just wanted to let you know that once I finally took the plunge and packed my things and left that alcoholic that I had spent 7 years of my life with, I never once missed him. Not.One.Second. I wish him only the best in life, but he is out of mine and it was the best, albiet difficult decision that I made. I'm still a bit stunned when I think of how much of my life that I spent with someone that I never missed once he was gone.

    You've got this. You're stong. You're capable. You deserve so much better.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct. 4, 2003
    Location
    Hurdle Mills, NC
    Posts
    4,122

    Default

    You've already gotten some good advice: (1) get the best lawyer you can find and afford, and (2) get yourself, horses, living situations as prepared as you possibly can prior to getting out. To this, I want to add that there are many excellent books out there on the realities of divorce and how to prepare for them. When I went through my divorce 20 years ago, I found especially helpful one called *The Dollars and Cents of Divorce* (or something like that-- I gave it to a friend in need years ago).

    I know all too well what it is to be married long term (23 years in my case) to a man it literally turned my stomach to look at. The good part is that I have never felt anything but relief to have him gone.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2012
    Location
    Fern Creek, KY
    Posts
    3,010

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    Everybody here has given you great advice. I'm so sorry that you've found yourself in this situation.

    The only other thing that I might add, is to let your local police department know when you plan to move out (or ask him to move out) so that YOU will be safe with an escort. That way too, if he acts out, it will be on record. These things can go down hill so very, very quickly.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2011
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    2,966

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    Quote Originally Posted by jherold View Post
    Get yourself to a divorce lawyer and find out your rights before you do anything. Since he doesn't work, you may find yourself supporting him! Good luck, and you can do it.
    THIS!!! IN SPADES!!! And you have PLENTY to lose.

    Why isn't he working?? If you've been supporting him all this time, he hasn't committed adultery, beaten you, or any of the other usually lurid reasons for divorce, don't be surprised if he & his attorney are going to go for alimony - paid by YOU to HIM. Just because he drinks & you're tired of the relationship isn't a good enough reason for him not to get alimony.

    You definitely need to contact a good divorce attorney & find out what's what before you even CONSIDER moving your horses & other stuff. You can't just "kick him to the curb" because now you feel like it.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Sep. 8, 2006
    Location
    Fredericksburg, VA
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    2,472

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    Quote Originally Posted by KCINTOLB View Post
    What I CAN'T seem to figure out is WHY I am so hesitant to tell him to beat it. This is ridiculous. I'm the financially stable one, the breadwinner, I know I have nothing to lose, so what the heck gives?!?!? Anyone else been there?
    I haven't been there, but your hesitation just sounds like fear of change to me. Leaving this guy might be the best thing you ever did, but I think even positive change can be scary, and as great as it will be for you to free yourself from this man, it still represents a major life upheaval. I can completely understand why you'd be scared or hesitant to actually take the plunge.

    Best of luck to you.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Location
    Chapel Hill, NC
    Posts
    1,750

    Default

    I am so sorry! I went through a separation/divorce myself over the last couple of years and it's not easy--even when you know it's best for you.

    My lawyer did really spell out all the things I could expect based on our state laws. It was eye-opening! Best $250 I ever spent.

    You don't mention *why* he doesn't work--if he's able to and not, this may make a difference vs. not being able to work (disability, etc.). My XH was unemployed when we got separated because he's a dumbass, not because of any "real" reason, so I did not have to pay anything because they based everything on his prior work history and his reasonable chances of regaining similar employment.

    Good luck!
    From now on, ponyfixer, i'll include foot note references.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2010
    Posts
    25

    Default

    He doesn't work because.. well, he doesn't want to. He tells me he applies to all of these places, and I just can't believe they don't call him back. I don't think he's making much of an effort, to be honest. He is unemployed, because he's unemployed. There's nothing wrong with him. For as long as I have known him (20+ years), he always worked. Once we got married, he stopped. He has only worked sporadically at not so permanent positions.

    I don't think he would ever get violent. What I meant when I said "except when you cross him", was that he gets beligerant and really stupid, and usually just storms off. If you just let him be, he's a happy go lucky drunk.

    I work for a law firm. Though, not DR, perhaps I should talk to one of my bosses. Hm.
    Last edited by KCINTOLB; Sep. 6, 2012 at 03:22 PM.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2011
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    2,966

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    Quote Originally Posted by KCINTOLB View Post

    I work for a law firm. Though, not DR, perhaps I should talk to one of my bosses. Hm.
    Uh, yeah. Ya think?



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,785

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    It's only one second difference between belligerent and hitting when you're drunk. Just because someone didn't hit you, doesn't mean they won't when you are telling them the party is over, and they'll have to get a job. Talk to your boss for either a referral or about the implications of divorce.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep. 9, 2003
    Location
    Yellow Point, BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,037

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    I just opened the door and walked out!!! It felt really great to slam it behind me, too!

    Mind you, I wasn't married to him, BUT we had been "together" for 17 years. The day I walked in, after having had a really bad day myself, to see him flat out on the couch wanting to be alone (surrounded by too many vodka bottles to count) did it for me. I went back 6 weeks later to get my "stuff" and he actually thought I was coming back to start up again!!! What a shock he got.

    It's been ~6months and I feel freer than I have in years!!! Talk to your bosses and do it- for yourself!!!
    Another owner of A Fine Romance baby who has grown up and joined the fun!!!



  17. #17
    Join Date
    May. 21, 2004
    Location
    N. TX...just N.East of paradise...
    Posts
    2,026

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    I've never been in this situation, and I feel for you. BUT, you have two things in your favor at the very least:

    You ARE STILL a strong woman, confident in yourself

    And, the fact is, NO ONE know what a future will hold no matter WHAT you plan ahead for, decide on, train for, and prepare in any other way for.

    You say you don't think you'd be able to handle the farmhouse and chores yourself....But you don't KNOW and will NEVER KNOW until you DO IT. Betcha can.

    And with one less person messing up the place, how can you lose?

    Fear of change is something we all have, but pointless, because all we HAVE is CHANGE....just flow with what feels right TO YOU at this moment, and then take the next moment and the next. Don't worry about the moments in the future. Just follow your heart. Not your fear (just watched "Donnie Darko" a bit ago LOL )...
    "As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use."- William James
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Proud member of the Wheat Loss Clique.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct. 30, 2008
    Posts
    3,212

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    Great advice here! I don't have much to add except for (((((hugs))))) and jingles for a smooth outcome.
    Flip a coin. It's not what side lands that matters, but what side you were hoping for when the coin was still in the air.

    You call it boxed wine. I call it carboardeaux.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,971

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    You need to talk with a lawyer. Think of him as a wife....you wrote: "He doesn't work, so he takes care of all the household things, including the barn. When I get home from work, there isn't much left for me to do." He works...he's doing the more typically wife duties...and you'd never hear the typical Cother tolerating a male saying, "She doesn't work, she takes care of all the household things and I don't have to do anything". You may find you'll have to be paying a chunk of your salary to him and he may be the one keeping the house with you paying a lot of the bills.

    He may be due some of your retirement and 50% of all joint funds. So, talk to a lawyer to see what your situation is, you may be very disappointed in what he says.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2010
    Posts
    25

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacardi1 View Post
    Uh, yeah. Ya think?
    Well, as I said, these are not domestic relations attorneys. They may not know squat about divorce and the legal ramifications that surround it. But perhaps a referral may be in the offering.



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