In which the author’s sunny disposition and sanity deteriorate along with the weather.

So happy I moved to sunny California! It’s 73 degrees in December. I rode in short sleeves today. My horse spent the whole morning playing in the turn-out. Had a great lesson in the huge outdoor ring—I feel bad for people stuck in tiny indoor rings all winter!

A few clouds rolling in, and cooler temps. I guess it’s officially “winter” here, ha ha. Might have to break out the lightweight blanket tonight. Horses are all delightfully peppy.

Chilly today, and drizzling. Guess I won’t need sunscreen, LOL. The extra spring in my horse’s step felt amazing. Wish he always had that much suspension!

Real rain today! I had almost forgotten what it was like. The ground has been hard, so a good soaking rain to soften it is welcome. Rode in covered arena today. It felt really small compared to the big outdoor ring, but better than those indoor arenas that are all closed in. Nice to feel a breeze while riding.

Still raining. Paddocks too wet for turn-out today. Kind of a bummer, but it’s still better than snow and ice. And I love the sound of the rain pattering on the barn roof. Very “zen.”

Sixth rainy day with no turn-out, horses are getting antsy. Actually had to put my “lazy” gelding on the lunge line today, where he delighted in breaking up the monotony of circles with attempts to disarticulate my joints. Wish he didn’t have that much pent-up energy.

Second straight week of rain. Ducks have taken up residence in the big outdoor paddock, which we have christened “Lake Turn-out.” Stepped in a puddle that was deeper than I thought and water went straight over the top of my muck boots and into shoes. Feet were soaking wet and freezing. Damn rain beating on barn roof is so loud we have to shout to hear each other. Very irritating.

How much rain can one planet manufacture??? Is there is some black hole of a swirling weather vortex that does nothing but suck water out of the Pacific and vomit it all over California? The horses are all bat-poop crazy.

My boy never stopped jigging the whole time I was on him. Dressage trainer thought it amusing to compliment me on my “piaffe.” Tempted to “piaffe” all over her but too busy trying not to fall off. My horse was lathered in 15 minutes. Took two hours of rubbing him down before he was dry enough to put his blanket on. If I can ever get him to stand still again, I will body clip him.

@#%$ the rain. Got golf cart stuck in the mud and truck stuck trying to extract golf cart and backhoe stuck trying to free truck. Cost $250 for tow truck to haul all three out.  Skipped riding and went straight to bar.

Wind! Now there’s wind. There’s wind, and it’s raining sideways. Rain has blown into the covered arena, making footing on the edges mucky, so we have to avoid the rail. It’s pure insanity in there. Was in the middle of jumping gymnastic when dressage trainer intersected her 20-meter circle with my line. Collision averted only because dressage horses can gallop sideways. Rain pummeling roof so loud it masked my expletives. Probably a good thing.

Useable area of covered arena still shrinking; puddles outside the ring are now beginning to flood the long sides. Ducks keep wandering through during lessons. No room for jumps any more, so poles and standards are now piled outside the ring, giving horses have something to spook at every time they turn the corner. Every now and then they all fall over like dominoes, resulting in what I can only describe as an equine pinball game effect. Dressage people can only do 10-meter ovals now.

Why did I move to “sunny California?” Nobody told me it could rain non-stop from December through March. Doesn’t anybody out here know how to build an arena with sides??? The only way we can stay dry now is to ride up and down the centerline. And my horse has decided he is terrified of ponies. If one comes near him he literally soils himself.

Covered ring has become a sanctuary for water birds. Can only use it while the Blue Herons are out feeding. After they come back they won’t let us in. Feed room is flooding. Saw mice going in and out in little rowboats. For the love of creation, please make it stop raining.

Horses developing bad habits from boredom. Mine is now doing canter pirouettes in his stall. If he spins any faster he will screw himself in to the ground. One is pulling up the rubber mats and tossing them out in the aisle. Another is piling up his manure to build an escape ramp. I’m pretty sure mine got my phone out of my tack trunk and tried to ship himself to a barn in Arizona. The rest of them are banging on their doors or scraping their teeth across the stall bars. Have to wear riot gear to clean the stalls. It’s like a prison revolt.

Water seeped in to laundry room and shorted out dryer. Had to hang 20 polo wraps from rafters to dry. Scared horses so badly they won’t even stick their heads out of stalls. Thought about hanging myself.

Green, fuzzy, alien life forms have sprouted all over my tack. I scrape them off and they’re back the next day, mocking me. It’s just too damp at the barn, so I’m taking my saddle home with me where I can dry it properly. In the oven. With my head.

Have completely given up on ever seeing blue sky again. The world is always the same shade of grey. I will sell my soul for an hour of sunlight. Meanwhile, my friends up north taunt me with photos of them riding in their dry, wind-free indoor rings. Putting house up for sale. I’m moving to the desert. I never want to see rain again as long as I live.

Last night when I got up to use the bathroom I found the green fuzzy aliens had grown out of the oven, through the kitchen and were creeping across the carpet toward my bed. Spent night locked in closet with spray bottle of Lysol bleach to defend myself. It’s a government conspiracy. They’re using us to test a weapon of mass precipitation.

It’s out to get me. I hear it whispering. I see dead people. Luke, I am your father. We need a bigger boat. Soylent Green is people. I’m going to fight my way to the car with my cordless blowdryer and keep driving until I’m in the middle of dry, parched, land. You’ll never get me alive. Do you hear me???

We apologize for the abrupt ending to this column. Ms. Werner is currently resting comfortably at an inpatient facility where she is expected to remain until spring. When asked if she wanted to say anything to her readers, all we could get was, “Enough is enough. I’ve had it with these %@#$ snakes on this $#@% plane.”

After years of trying to fit in with corporate America, Jody Lynne Werner decided to pursue her true passion as a career rather than a hobby. So now, she’s an artist, graphic designer, illustrator, cartoonist, web designer, writer and humorist. You can find her work on her Misfit Designs Cafepress site. Jody is one of the winners of the Chronicle’s first writing competition. Her work also appears in the 2013 and 2014 Amateur Issue print editions of The Chronicle of the Horse.