Recently, discussion has raged amongst the hunter/jumper crowd as to whether front-zip breeches are “coming back.” If I’m that worried about where the zipper on my breeches is located, please just take me behind the barn and shoot me dead.

That said, for some it would be a good move. Although side-zips seemed to be de rigueur for years and years, I’ll let you in on a secret: many women in side-zips should rethink their fashion choices. That area so many of you want to hide in real life—now you have it out on display without a thing to break up the line? For real? No!

Please, side-zip pants in real life are there for just a percentage of the population and not for everyone. The teeny, the tiny and the flat-stomached look smashing. For the rest of us, embrace that front zip! It breaks up that expanse of fabric where it needs it most.

And before you jump on me for being harsh, think for just a moment. It’s already a crazy fashion world when designers have got so many women walking around in tops that look like they’re made for those expecting, while those expecting are in tighties and baring all. But they’ve got one thing right: very few are doing side-zip pants, and that’s for a reason. Not everyone is an anorexic Amazon.

Perused the catalogs lately? Since when did the Female Riding Figure—and I mean everyone, not a specific few—suddenly start fitting into the low-rise breech? Now, a good low-rise looks super on someone with a low-rise bod. But here’s a hint: that’s not most of us.

I mean it with all graciousness and tact, but it’s time to have a good serious look in the mirror from every angle. You know, just in your bra and your low-rise breeches. Be honest. How much muffin shows? Here’s an even bigger reality check: get a stool and sit in front of the mirror, still clothed in bra and breeches. Check out the muffin now.

I have no problems with muffins tops. After all, I have one, my friends have them, and most people have them or will have them. But this low-rise breech thing kind of depends on how you’re built, doesn’t it? For some it’s a godsend, because with their build the low-rise is practically the Muffin Eliminator. Or those with a short rise, etc.

But not everyone has made the correct breech choice. Far too many are ignoring the benefits of a good high-waist breech (think of your friends in Dressage Land), and depending on your size, they really can help rather than hinder.

And, ladies, there’s really no reason to wear a breech that doesn’t address as many of the bells and whistles as possible. Have a good look at the selection we’ve got these days. The days of regular and tall as our only choices are long gone. We’ve got the low-rise, regular rise and high rise, but we’ve also got slim fit, On Course Shapely and other fuller cuts for the gal whose figure is more hourglass. We’ve got Fuller Fillies for the plus-size rider, lots of brands now go up to a size 36 or 38, and they have everything in between, even for those lucky ones who can still fit into a pair of kid-size breeches.

As for smoothing out those ridges, orange peel locales, or peaks and valleys, we’re lucky there as well. From “Smart Slims”—to Under Armour, Spanx or plain old control top pantyhose, you can embrace your breech fabric of choice and use one of these brands to eliminate the dimples.

No excuses!

And if you’ve ever wondered, “Do these breeches make me look fat?” then the answer is a wholehearted “Yes.” Breeches do not make anyone look slim.

Just a quick sidebar. Another trick that helps the bottom half is where your jacket hits. Too short and it’s distracting, too long and you look like you’ve stepped out of a photo from a British riding manual.

1. Buy a coat a size too large, because a good tailor can nip in the waist, account for length and make other modifications so you end up with something that looks almost custom-made.

2. If you have sloping shoulders, here’s the biggest trick of all—take a page from a well-tailored men’s suit coat and have the smallest of padding added to the shoulder. It will make the coat hang much nicer.

Cornelia van Schaik feels entitled to comment on equestrian fashion because in her long horsey life she has competed in hunters, jumpers, Big Eq and dressage through FEI, plus an amusing spin in trail classes.  Her foray into the eventing world is limited to spectating, but she loves the bright colors. Cornelia finds fox hunters have it easiest when it comes to fashion, for they are not concerned about such things as whether a particular coat color will match their black, bay or chestnut.