1. If you turn it on, turn it off. If you open it, close it. If you use it, put it back in the same condition—and location—you found it. And if you come across my gloves, please put them back in my helmet, because I’m most certainly looking for them; it is my natural state.
2. Your lesson begins at the time we’ve scheduled it for. If you have to cancel, try to do it before 24 hours. There are directions on my website; use those, not Mapquest or Google.
3. Wear a helmet, always, every time, every ride, no questions asked. This is not negotiable. Seriously.
4. If you’re coming to see us with a trailer, please follow the signs to our parking area. I promise there is room for even the biggest of trailers to clear the turns. We set it up like that, because we’re pretty smart, and I hate having to back up trailers when I don’t have to just as much as you. Please also don’t park on the grass, or my Dad will come yell at you like an old guy accusing you of stealing his newspaper. It’s not pretty.
5. If you are in the barn and a horse (Midgey or Fender) starts banging on his stall front, do not come over to that horse (Midgey or Fender) to reprimand him. Ignore or yell at him. Otherwise you are just encouraging the horse (Midgey or Fender) to continue behaving poorly like the naughty little squirrel that he is.
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6. Your lesson begins at the time we’ve scheduled it for. If you have to cancel, try and do it before 24 hours. There are directions on my website; use those, not Mapquest or Google.
7. If you fall off, you have to bring pie.
8. If your horse poops in the arena, please come back to pick it up. It breaks down our fancy-schmancy footing.
9. If you need to reach me, email is best. I text, too. If you need to call, please do it during normal business hours. After 9 p.m. is not normal business hours. 2 a.m. is absolutely never, under any circumstances, normal business hours.
10. My barn doors are always open; we welcome visitors anytime. Georg Theodorescu told me that people with closed barn doors have something to hide, and so I welcome anyone to come at anytime, particularly early in the morning when you can see me ride in my pajamas. It’s a sight to behold.
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11. All that said, if you come to observe someone else’s lesson, please remember that that person is paying me for a lesson, not you. You may sit quietly and listen, but neither the rider nor I need your running commentary.
12. Our cats are very friendly. Don’t mind Icky, our deformed cat. We know she’s a little funny looking. It’s cool. We’d prefer you left your dogs and young children at home, but if you must, only leashed, well-behaved dogs and children are allowed.
13. Last but not least, your lesson begins at the time we’ve scheduled it for. If you have to cancel, try and do it before 24 hours. There are directions on my website; use those, not Mapquest or Google.
Lauren
