After not having a horse for a few years, I am moving back in that direction (meaning, my poor husband has spent several weekends rebuilding our paddock fence). The quest for my next horse entails idle moments on Craigslist, looking for that “diamond in the rough.”

This approach reflects two realities: I am a teacher and on a limited budget, and also I have never been convinced that there is a substantial difference between a $950 horse and a $9,500 horse. My tack room is full of ribbons I won with cheap horses, whether racetrack rejects or other “project” horses. However, now that I’m 46 and don’t bounce when I hit the ground, I need to be sharper than ever in my ability to read between the lines. What follows are the text of actual Craigslist ads, with my interpretation of the real meaning in brackets.

11-year-old Gelding Paint Quarter Horse around 14 hands tall. He is gentle [as long as you don’t ask him to do anything].  I bought him last year and haven’t messed with him that much as far as riding [couldn’t catch him very often].

When I bought him I rode him around the owners pasture with bit and with just halter. He did okay with commands but not great [what was I thinking?]. He has turned barn sour with me and does not want to be ridden and last month he was rearing up some when ridden out by himself. I just do not have the time to get him to his potential [make him reasonably safe].

He does have something going on slightly with his eye, the lower corner has some drainage [price is low because you’ll be dropping a ton of money with the vet as soon as you get him]. Other than that he is in great shape. He is kid safe. I have a 9, 11, 12-year-old  that leads him around and is all over him and he does fine. $300.00  [I have a child who is simultaneously 9, 11 and 12 years old. This child is able to get the horse to do some things, but the child does not come with the horse, so you will be on your own.]

Then again, sometimes you come across a lease opportunity that takes your breath away.  Such as, say, this ad:

“7 year old Mare. She has not been ridden in three years. I started retraining her from the ground up and was not able to continue that due to lack of time and knowledge.  [Please come train my horse, I am in over my head… BUT, I don’t want to pay you to train her, I want you to pay me.]

She needs to be finished. I cannot part with her [cannot sell her] so I am offering her for a full lease on my property. She needs an experienced horse person with lots of patience and a firm but kind hand. [She needs a trainer better than Buck Brannaman and Melanie Taylor combined.]

She is very smart, but stubborn. She will test you. [She will test you.]

There are three fields here that I am rotating her on. She has a run in stall. [We have not been able to catch this mare in three years. We rotate her over three pastures by opening the gate and shooing her through.] We do have room to ride here when the time comes. It’s beautiful mountain property. [We have lots of room to ride here after you finally get a saddle on her. It’s a mountain property, so be careful she doesn’t take off down a hill, flip over, and fall on you.]  

If you’re interested then send me an email with your experience, what you have accomplished, your training style, and what you would have planned. If I like it then we can discuss lease details. [Please call me and let me know your plan, so that I can judge whether you are good enough.]

Thank you! [I have to return to my planet now.]

Whether or not your sense of self-preservation would allow you to respond to that ad, you have to admit that Craigslist horse classifieds are never dull. Here is an ad I couldn’t resist interpreting:

REDUCED FROM $1000 to $700 obo. Great Christmas present [for someone you dislike]. 10 Year old 16hh Tennessee Walker Gelding. He is being sold as Grade [I don’t have his papers because he was abandoned at my place by his crazy owner]. He rides English or Western. I ride western but while trail riding realized he is an amazing jumper [I ride Western, but I realized this horse can jump when he launched me over a ditch].

He can clear at least 3 feet [he’s also hard to keep in a fence]. He transfers from a walk to a run beautifully [sometimes without warning, so hold on!]. He is a great ride. He is truly a great horse.

He is very playful and loves to play with rubber balls and barrels. [I’ve had to replace every feed tub, bucket and water trough in his pasture.] He is brown with four black socks. I may be willing to trade, let me know what you have [anything]. I would like a horse with more color, something other than brown [but this is a great horse]. But will consider anything. [But he’s a great horse. Really. Call.]

Then again, sometimes you come across the remnants of the implosion of someone’s backyard breeding program. Some of these breeding programs are, well, very innovative. Here is an ad I saw recently:

I have 3 Haflinger mares for sale ,all grade, one with a spotted colt by her side and rebred [took me more than one year to realize there was no market] to the same stud which is a beautiful American Paint Horse registered stud that has been blood tested to be homozygous [but I am working on diluting that bloodline as quickly as possible by breeding him to dun horses from another part of the world].

The other two mares that are bred to the same stud and should foal late fall or early winter of this year [went all the way around the year in search of an early spring foal]. The APHA registered stud is for sale also [woke up to the folly of what I am doing].

The horses are in good physical condition but do need some hoof work but not extremely bad [have run out of money for this program, good thing the Haflingers are easy keepers]. I am not physically able to look after them is the only reason I am selling part of my horses.

I am keeping 4 yearlings, a mare and her 1 month old colt [I won’t be completely ready to release this dream until the yearlings grow up short, spotted, and barely handled]. The prices start at $300 [bottom fell out of the market when the processing plants closed].This is way less than what they are worth but I need to move them fast [need money, brakes went out in my truck].

The 3 grade mares were represented to ride and drive by their sellers, but I have not seen them do so personally [my friend’s uncle heard a rumor that they ride and drive]. All of the mares and the stud are very gentle to handle. They just need a job and a friend [I mean, a friend who is not me].

Whatever happens and wherever I find my next hidden gem, I have confidence that my journey will be an adventure!